I'm Back After Seven Years!

So it’s been almost 6 or 7 years since I’ve blogged, marriage and parenting had taken up 125% of my time. But inspired by my good friend and fellow blogger Kima De Mizohican who never stopped, I’ve decided to give it a go again. To be brutally honest the past year has not been very kind to me and my family. Those of you that know, know. But for those who don’t, it’s not worth looking into. Anyway to help me get past all the drama, I decided to learn how to write “Haiku” (A haiku is a short, unrhymed Japanese poem that's made up of three lines and 17 syllables. The syllables are arranged in a 5-7-5 pattern, with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, and five in the third). I’ve spent many days, reading, writing, scrapping, re-writing ughhh…. But so far here are 4 that I feel I’m confident enough to share. Please note that it’s a work in progress and I will get better. Thanks 1. Birds chirping wake me Sad happy angry and alone Each day a new day? 2. Bottle is my vice Bourbon burbles down the ice Cheers to my troubles 3. Sunset glistening Behold nature’s resplendence But dark is the night 4 . She thought I’m gorgeous! Inanimate mirror is Dog peed on tree trunk

Life after Marriage Part 1

Hello there everyone, I know it’s been a while since I last updated my blog and it is inexcusable, blasphemous perhaps, but I do have a valid reason, well, you see…(Let the drum rolls begin) I got married! Yes, I got married to my long time girlfriend and love of my life Hazel Kharkongor in Aizawl, Mizoram. I’ll put a few pictures from the wedding in the end. Maybe I’ll blog about the wedding and the comedy of errors, but todays blog is about the No.1 question people ask me after the wedding – What’s it like getting married? How has life changed? And this is my attempt to answer the question and maybe a lot of young unmarried men will find helpful and hopefully learn a thing or two.

For me since my wife and I were living together for close to 3 years before we got married, I always thought ‘nothing much would change after we get married’. For me it was just a legal/social formality and things would be the same. A man could never have been more wrong! But anyway here a few things I’ve noticed along with a few advice for the unfortunate ones about to take the plunge.

1. After you get married, you will realize that nothing really belongs to you anymore. Yes you read that right NOTHING! You might have bought it, but it’s not yours. This is how it goes - So I bought an iPad last month, coz I hate carrying my laptop when traveling or giving presentations etc. I brought it home and as soon as I showed it to her she said ‘thanks babe’ and I haven’t touched or used it since.
2.  You can’t do the things you casually did before you got married, like order pizza whenever you feel like eating pizza. Last Friday as usual I was laying on my couch after a long days work watching a movie and as always there were a couple of scenes where the actors were eating pizza. I thought to myself ‘hmmm it’s been a while since I had a pizza’ so I quickly opened my Zomato app and ordered a Yellow Cab Special thin crust pepperoni pizza, from NYC Pie (the best place to have Pizza) and continued watching my movie. After about 30 mins the wife is done with her cooking, and just as she's about to sit, the delivery boy rings the doorbell, she goes to open it and what followed after that was rather confusing for me. There was an extreme contrast in our facial expressions and emotions, I was hungry and delighted to have my pizza she was confused and angry that I ordered a pizza. Needless to say, I didn’t get my lemonade or my breakfast the next morning.
   
3. You can’t watch the things you like to watch anymore as much as you used to.
   I like watching football and UFC, but since the EPL season is off for now, I usually watch UFC fights or podcasts on youtube etc. So whenever we have an argument or she’s upset with me, she tells me ‘You don’t even watch movies with me anymore’, ‘why cant you watch movies which even I can enjoy, all you do is watch UFC’. So I felt guilty and last week I took her out on a movie date to watch Spiderman Homecoming - She fell asleep for the entire first half of the movie. Women I tell you!

      Any that’s it for now, I have a lot more to share but I have to go home now to my sweet loving wife. Here are a few pictures hope you enjoy them. Cheers!

Liberation!

First off all I think calling a grown ass man a couch-potato is just plain hateful. Why would you do that? I mean it’s a conscious decision to be one, so why judge him and start with the name calling. It’s downright offensive and you people should stop it.

Now having said that, as many of my friends and relatives would know, I am notoriously difficult to get out of the house on a weekend or on a holiday.  Why? Because I’ve worked all week and I need the 2 days off for myself, to catch up on new movies and TV shows etc. Which is why I end up spending the entire weekend on the couch, getting up only to eat, crap, piss and change movies on my laptop which I connect to my TV using an HDMI cable.

Look at that infinite space between the couch and the laptop. Lord help me!

Now, if you’ve ever been in a situation where after every 2 hours you need to get your ass up, crawl to the laptop, change movies, crawl back and re-position yourself on the couch, it gets annoying and too much work to do in 2 days. So, I decided I needed to fix this and started looking at wireless keyboard and mouse on Amazon. There were some pretty nice ones out there, but they were all a little too big. I’d probably have to place the laptop on my belly and hold the mouse with my hand etc. etc. too much work, to many moving parts and way too much action for my liking. So I delved deeper into Amazon for a better alternative until I found this little piece of wonder.

NewestMini Wireless Bluetooth Keyboard Handheld with Touchpad for Android 4.0 +Tablet / Mac OS / Windows OS. Click to view on Amazon.

Did a little more research on it and found that Lew from Unbox Therapy had reviewed it and highly recommended it.

So what did I do? Logged on to Amazon and bought it, yes sir I did. paid a full Rs. 2099 for it.

After anxiously waiting for 5 days my package finally arrived around 4:30 in the afternoon, but I was a little pissed off that it came on a Sunday. Dammit, I had only half a day to enjoy this bad boy. So much to do, so less time. Nevertheless I opened it with tears of joy rolling down my eyes.

All I had to do now was, turn on the Bluetooth on my laptop and pair it with this little device and voila, I was back in control of my life. It functions like a full fledged keyboard with all commands and the touchpad does the work of a mouse. The battery is pretty good, you only have to charge it once a week sometimes once in 2 weeks. We have come a long way, when it comes to technology almost everything's wireless now and I for one hate wires, they all black and messy and look like pubes. I like the clean look, I mean when it comes to the whole, media entertainment set up. (To each his/her own)

Anyway after this amazing discovery, I will never have to get up from the couch except to shit and piss. (Next mission is to train the girlfriend to give me food and water on the couch)

Tested it and it works like a charm, the touch pad is responsive, keypad takes some getting used to but it serves my purpose. It’s light and decently built too. I pretend to fall asleep with it on my belly and I hardly felt it. Needless to say, I highly recommend it. Cheers.

Don’t Judge me.

Cereal Killer at Large

In a shocking incident a man identified as Zakk Sangkima Khiangte, brutally steeped on a cornflake killing it instantly. Witnesses to the gruesome incident described it as a ruthless, meaningless act of violence. One witness who declined to be named said that Mr. Khiangte did not show any sign of regret as he stepped on the helpless corn.

Upon further investigation it was discovered that Mr. Khiangte committed this crime as retaliation for the Dadri killing over beef consumption. He said “ If they can kill a man for supposedly eating beef, why can't I kill. I will continue to kill corn flakes. I have no Regret." So far it is not know if Mr. Khiangte has a political or any religious agenda but this heinous crime has been condemned by all and has triggered strong response from the world over. Although some experts believe that this might be the beginning of a new extremist non veg group.

Members the metal band KORN released a statement condemning the incident and calling it a new form of racism that needs to be addressed. Jonathan Davis, front man the band said "being a Korn myself, I really don't feel safe anymore and we are seriously thinking about ending our world tour. Who knows if there are other cereal killers out there".

                                          Members of Korn embrace on hearing the news.

The BJP has issued a statement condemning the incident, and have promised swift action against the accused. Various vegetarian groups along with the RSS and Shiv Sena have promised a fitting reply to the incident.  

Career Advice For the Uninitiated

So last week I was had lunch with a man who had worked in Amway for 10 years, and as we were talking he said something that pissed me off quite a bit; he said “Mizo boys are useless, lazy and they don’t take their jobs seriously, but Mizo girls are very hardworking”. I did not like the way he was so quick to generalize all of my people, when I know many Mizos boys who work very hard, and hold very respectable positions in top industries.

Anyway that night I thought a lot about what he said, and wondered if there was any truth to it; why and how did he come to such a disturbing conclusion about my bros. I shared the incident on our Mizo bloggers whaatsapp group and we had a very interesting discussion. A lot was said with no real conclusion, but that’s not the topic of my blog today, it may be related but not really (I don’t even know if that made sense). My blog today is an advice to all my Mizo bros as well as non Mizo bros about to start their lives as an independent working man.

I believe that had there been someone to give ‘the guys’ who were unfortunate enough to be labeled lazy, useless and don’t take their jobs seriously, appropriate career advises they would have been better off and this is my attempt to reduce such incidents. So here they are:

Know what you want to do for a living.

I always knew I wanted to be in advertising, but never knew how to get there, so I ended up wasting 2 years of my life doing my MBA and then another useless year working in Samsung finance department till I found my way to advertising. If you’re good at something and you like doing it, go for it. Don’t worry about the finances, it will come one day. It’s better to do what you like than to hate what you do. If you want to be a carpenter, be the best fucking carpenter. There is dignity in labor.

There’s a world beyond Mizoram

Move out of your comfort zone. The best of you will come out when you face challenges and fail over and over again. If you want to start a business, think beyond Mizoram, there’s a whole country and even the world to explore. Holding a government job is good, or a MCS or engineer or doctor, teacher, nurse etc. but so is being a copywriter, designer, game developer, social media strategist, event manager, consultant, so many amazing jobs. I will never understand why everyone I know wants to go back home right after they complete their studies, I want to eventually go back home too, but not until I’ve made my presence felt. I'm not judging but that's just me or maybe its just that there's job for my line of work back home. 

Be confident and show it.

If you show insecurity in the corporate world, the big boys will bully you and eat you alive. If you have an idea, present it with confidence. When you’re introduced to someone, shake their hand firmly; show them you are their equal. Bosses love young, dynamic and confident employees and believe me women like it too. So there 2 birds with one stone.

Stay curious and ask questions

Be nice to everyone from top to bottom level employees. There’s always something to learn from everyone, try to spend time with them and ask questions. There’s so much to learn from people’s lives and experiences. Soak in their culture and learn to think like them. Remember to always stay excited and motivated.

Never say No

Sometimes you will get orders from bosses that may sound/seem impossible to accomplish; but never say No. Try to do it anyway. In your process of failure or success you will learn so much more than your regular “possible” work. You will research more, learn new tricks and your brain will function faster than usual and whether you fail or succeed you will be better at you work EVERYTIME!

Show them what your worth

Like I said before, don’t worry too much about the finances in the beginning, I mean it is important but it’s not everything. If you work hard enough the money will come and when it comes nothing can compare to the feeling. I Started with 5000 a month, spent nights sleeping in the office I worked my ass off, worked on weekends and  never complained, well I did complain (sometimes complaining is fun) but I never gave up. If you work hard enough, companies will give you what you're worth, if they're not, others will. You are what your worth, so keep yourself and your skills sharp.

Stay Creative

Creative doesn’t mean you have to be an advertising expert, be creative in your own line of work. Explore new ways to do things, if it hasn’t been done your way, it doesn’t mean it can’t be done. Everything can change, every process, every style etc.; there’s always room for change and a better way of doing things. Challenge and question ideas, processes and if you have a better way, present it but never be condescending. Some ideas will be appreciated and most rejected but don’t take it to heart

.

Start Saving

Don't make the same mistake I made of not saving. Start saving from as early, maybe just 500 a month for the first year will do, then when you get a raise increase it to 1000. You will need them for a rainy day. Make a monthly budget of how much you spend on clothes, food and going out for parties and try to stick to the plan.

That’s all I can say for now as I have to get back to work. Oh, and learn the local language it will take you a long way in your life and career. Last but not the least let go of your pride and learn to respect everyone, you will not always have great bosses but respect them and learn as much as you can from them. I have never been in a position where I did not learn something from someone. (I hope i didn't sound too preachy)

Random Ranting

Aren’t we a fucking lazy bunch? Or is it just our complete disregard for others? I read somewhere that India is a nation that’s always in a rush to get somewhere but never on time. Well it’s because we as a nation are fucking lazy and have no respect for others. Seriously, the fucking street sweepers start sweeping the roads at 9 am with their carts parked in the road during rush fucking hour, slowing traffic. Why can’t they do it at 5 AM or maybe 6 AM?

And the worst part is once you've managed to get past the ignorant sweepers of Delhi and enter Noida, you find yourself in another un-necessary traffic  – a Cow/Bull decides, “hmmm... it’s a nice warm morning, I think I’ll take a nap right in the middle of the fucking road. fuck humans”. These are days when you just want to die!

Talk about dying I think a part of me died the day I watched 50 shades - the movie. I actually hated my laptop after watching it. I don’t know why even though it was my decision to watch, I hated my laptop for showing it to me. I have nothing good to say about that fucking movie. And the worst part is I’ve seen movies worse than 50 Shades that gave me a boner at least, that fucking movie just confused my weaner.

As for weaners and all things related to its whereabouts, I think Indian men have the worst toilet etiquette. I have worked in 3 of the biggest companies and trust me the men’s toilet is a nightmare, especially the commode. I have seen footprints on the commode seats and things on them that no man alive needs to see.

And I can never understand why they keep putting sings that say "throw used toilet paper in the dustbin". What are we suppose to just wipe our butt and throw it in the dustbin? It's not a very delightful sight to behold while taking a dump, you know.

I imagine some people playing 'Guess Who's Ass-Wipe' - "The one on top is really light yellow, so it must be Rahul's ass wipe tissue, he was complaining about his stomach from the samosa he had in the morning. The one below it is 2 shades darker..." - Who knows about these thing's.

I for one was brought up by women and they had strict rules for using the toilet, especially my Granny. If I broke the rules I was made to do my business in the makeshift toilet in the garden. 

She had three simple rules:

•  If you’re going to pee, lift the seat. 
• When done put it back down. Always flush after use.
• Think about the next person using it as yourself, so leave it clean.

And I've always carried these things with me, but I guess people grew up differently or maybe they just don’t give a shit. Anyway here's a cat that clearly does not give a shit!

Sometimes I just get so frustrated and tired at the mess we have to go through when we all know that if we stop to care a little about others everything would be better.

Some day India, some day.

29

She never thought ‘29’, a number so random would bother her as much as she woke up that morning. Several intervals of her morning that day was spent in front of the mirror Sherlock Holmes’ing for signs on 29. I think she might have “Googled life expectancy” and came to no conclusion as to why it bothered her so much. She did her math, wondered if what she was feeling was a Mid Life crisis, but the numbers proved she was a year or two behind, feeling a little better she thought, maybe its a quarter Life crisis, but she was 4 or 5 years too late. "Fuck 29!" she thought to herself. The world would be a better place without 29, who needs 29? Things would be so much simpler if the counting system went “26,27,28,30…”. She didn't like the prospect of 30 after 29 either, but she hated 29 even more so, and the more she thought, the more it looked like an evil sibling determined to destroy her youth. Maybe it should just stop at 28…and numbers after that should cease to exist. Nature seemed to agree with her anger and disgust for 29, as it responded with thunder and rain. She peaked out the window anlooked at the gloomy dark sky. There was nothing happy about this day, nor this number, and everything around her seemed to agree. It didn't help that exactly 29 people called to wish her that morning. She googled 'facts about 29' as she lit her 29th cigarette of the day. No sooner did she stub her last cigarette and closed the page as she read the last fact – “29 is the Atomic number of Copper”.

A Sense Of Pride

There’s a sense of pride in being the first to have a girlfriend among childhood friends
There’s a sense of pride in telling people how many girlfriends you've
There’s a sense of pride in having broken a heart or two…maybe more
There’s a sense of pride in having survived a heart break you thought you never would
There’s a sense of pride in starting a new life
There’s a sense of pride in saying she’s my girlfriend
There’s a sense of pride in saying “I love you” once again
There’s a sense of pride in saying “she’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with”
There’s a sense of pride in saying  “She’s my fiancé”
There’s a sense of pride in saying “She’s my wife”
There’s a sense of pride when saying “I am what I am today because of her”
There’s a sense of pride in saying that “she’s the mother of my child”
But all of these pale in comparison to the pride you feel in realizing that she chose you.

This Boy Realized How Much He Loves His Girlfriend. You Wont Believe What He Did!

The key to maintaining a truly wonderful relationship is in a man’s hands. If you care enough to do the things I’m about to tell you, I promise you will have a wonderful relationship with your girlfriend/wife/friend. These advice's come from years of experience with women I've had the good blessing to be with. But as my chapter as a bachelor comes to an end, I feel it necessary to pass on what I have learned over the years. There are a lot of things I can write about but I’ll just make this short and sweet, pointing out only the major ones.

• Listen, listen and listen – Women love to talk! I understand for a man there’s only so much of listening we can do, but train yourself to filter out the rubbish and pick out the few important lines from all they say. Just remember the first part of what she said and the last part of what she said and you are safe.
•  It’s all about feelings – For women everything is about feelings…EVERYTHING! So knowing how she’s feeling will save you a lot of useless arguments.
•  Have a routine, to show her you care but do something unexpected every once in a while.
•  I don’t care what anyone says women love to be surprised so make sure you buy her something every once in a while. Doesn't have to be expensive but it’s the thought that counts.
• Hug her – Women loved to be hugged, maybe not in public but hug her often. Hug her when she looks sad, when she’s happy and most importantly when she least expects it. When you do hug her hug her like you mean it tight and strong.
• Give her attention – If you haven’t been communicating much the whole day and she sends you a nasty text or she’s being a bit of an ass when you meet, it means she wants attention. But don’t overdo the attention, don’t be up in her face all day every damn day. Give her space and attention to make sure she knows she’s on your mind. (It helps to set reminders on your phone) it reassures her that she belongs to you and you to her.
• Compliment her – Nothing can turn a woman’s mood around better than a compliment. If she’s had a bad day and she’s taking it out on you, listen to her, but as soon as the first round of outburst is over compliment her. See how that works. It’s important to listen to the first outburst coz that way she knows you’re there for her but no one needs a round 2, so to avoid it you compliment her.
•  Lead the conversation even when she thinks she’s leading the conversation – Women can be very self destructing and I mean that in a very cute way. Not in terms of destroying themselves but like I said in a very cute way. They will talk about something and that something will trigger a feeling in her that may make her feel sad, and once that happens it’s like an avalanche of emotional stuff if you don’t butt in. let’s say she’s talking to you about a cut dog she saw today, and suddenly she might remember a dog she had as a kid who went missing and how much she cried. That will trigger a memory of her favorite grandmother/father who has passed away and how much she misses them….etc. now if you have it in you to listen to that for 2 hours you deserve a medal, but if you don’t, know when to butt in and lead the conversation away from the topic. Just when you see the expression on her face change, butt in with a story about a dog you had and say hey maybe we should get a dog (you don’t really have to get it), what should we name it? See how that works.
•  Don’t make fun of her intelligence – if she’s smarter than you appreciate her intelligence if she’s not, appreciate her likewise. No matter how dumb you might think she is you will be surprised to know that she knows a lot of things you don’t know about. Remember intelligence is not measured on how much you or she knows about current affairs of just plain GK it is also measured on humility, compassion, ability to name a few.
• Never give up – In life or on her or on your relationship. Cowards give up and no one likes a person that gives up, not even you. There will be times when it seems impossible to be with her, because you’re constantly fighting. But just remember if you stick around long enough to fight through it, you will uncover the reason/s for the fights and once you get over that, you will fall in love all over again. The problem with men is that when provoked we are too impatient and reactive so we make mistakes we don’t mean to and when the consequences pile up we give up and walk away. If it’s your mistake face it like a man, as long as you don’t give up on yourself she won’t on you.
• Look her in the eye – it’s all about eye contact. When you tell her you’ll miss her, look her in the eye. When you tell her you love her, look her in the eye. Sometimes you won’t even have to say it out loud and she’ll get you.

Winter Cheers! Things to keep in mind.

Whooo hooo it’s that time of the year again! Yes, I mean winter and what does winter mean? Spot on brother – more alcohol! I love winter for obvious reasons, and also because it evokes a sense of romance. You feel like hugging more, embrace seems to have a whole new meaning, the sight of ‘warm regards’ in emails brings with it more love and affection… but enough of that crap, winter gives you reason to drink -  more parties = more drinks. It’s so cold…. = have a drink. I think I’m coming down with a fever = have a drink and sleep.

Anyway there are a few things to keep in mind with winter and alcohol to stay healthy. Remember the healthier you are the more you can drink.

1.      Many people believe Rum is the drink for winter as it keeps the body warmer. But there is no sufficient/ conclusive research on the validity of this – thus it can be termed a myth. But there’s no harm to it, drink away brothers. But what is true is that rum and coke does keep you more active and warm. If you are diabetic, I think you should stay away from Rum (in my opinion). Why? Well rum is made from sugar cane, and sugar turns into starch upon digestion and starch turns into sugar. But diabetics can drink any type of alcohol in moderation as it can decrease your blood sugar level. How you ask? Well it’s because your liver will be busy fighting off the toxins in alcohol and kinda forget to release glucose, but do not mix anything sweet with your drinks because the carbohydrates in them will spike up the sugar level. Cheers!

2.      The saying that ‘alcohol keeps my body warm’ is as true as it is false. Dafaq! Well what actually happens when you take alcohol in general is it dilates the peripheral blood vessels near your skin, increasing in more blood flow and thus the warm feeling. But the danger here is that the blood takes the warmth away from the core of your body, so even though you might feel warm because your skin is warm, you vital organs might not be as warm as you might think they are. So always remember to keep your body warm even when you feel warm. So no to streaking and alcohol in winter.

3.      Remember to keep your body hydrated at all times. It’s very easy to forget to drink water or not feel like drinking water during winter, especially if you have been drinking but always remember to drink water before and after you drink alcohol. A hangover is the body’s way of telling you it is really, really dehydrated so keep yourself hydrated. As I had mentioned before it takes about 4 hours for the liver to digest 1 peg of whiskey, so watch your drink. I’d suggest a glass of water between every drink.

So there it is folks a few things to remember as you enjoy your drinks this winter. Cheers!

My Team, My Game - Rules of Engagement

Every Sports fan has a ritual before watching a match of their favorite team. People find it stupid but for the true fans its serious stuff, everything we do or say could potentially make or break our teams’ performance. For me I've noticed that most of the times I go out to watch a Chelsea match at a friend’s place, we end up losing the match. So I've stopped watching it anywhere but home. I mean we do lose even when I watch it at home but the odds of us winning are much higher. Anyway, besides that I don’t really have a ritual anymore, but, I do like to have the necessities for a good match in place.

• Ideally I like to have the couch to myself. I have a fat ass so I like it when it spreads comfortably on the cushion.
• A bottle whiskey and a few bottles of chilled beer on the side with water and ice (all within an arm’s reach).
• Not really a muncher so I don’t need snacks.
• A packet of cigarettes.
• And if possible I really don’t like watching it with neutrals. By neutrals I mean if there’s a Chelsea vs Man United match I don’t like watching it with a….say Real Madrid fan. Neutrals are annoying lil turds, because they just don’t stop talking, one minute they’re on your side the next thing you know they’re on the other side and they will stick to the winning side and if the match ends as a draw they have everything to say about how both teams played wrong and how boring the match was. So fuck neutrals.

Now the only thing that is allowed to even closely interfere with the match or could take my attention from the match is a ‘Clash of Clans’ notification. I mean there are only 2 things that are important to a man and they are - his sports team and his video game. For me it’s Clash of Clans, I spend every window of spare time I get day and night, building my village, upgrading my defenses, protecting my people – ensuring that they have enough gold and elixir to have a normal life. So they need my constant attention and care.  But during a Chelsea match, Clash of Clans notifications also wait till half time or till there’s a short break.

Chelsea Vs Liverpool Match 2
Fairly entertaining first half is about to end and you hear a beep on your phone look down and it’s a Clash of Clans notification *Your village was raided by 鸡巴头 (it's always a Chinese dude). Your blood is boiling but you think to yourself I take care of the bastard during half time and get back to the match, and after 3 minutes of extra time Demba Ba scores! Its Chelsea 1 and Liverpool 0. You scream out “Yessss Goalllllll” pump your fist in the air. It’s good but you don’t want to be too cocky coz its only the first half and anything could happen in the second half, so you calm yourself down and a few minutes later the referee blows for half time.

Just as you’re about to check your phone to see the damage that this turd 鸡巴头 has done to your village, you hear a voice saying something absurd, so you just sort of ignore it. And then for the second time you hear it again loud and clear. You still can’t believe you just heard that coz it still sounds absurd even though it’s louder and clearer. Just as you’re about to continue to ignore it you hear it again for the third time – “You don’t miss me!” you reply really confused “What?”, “What do you mean I don’t miss you”-“You know exactly what I mean, You Don’t Miss Me”-“But babe, you’re right here with me in the same room, how can I miss you?”, “I mean…I don’t mean it like that but of course I miss you”- “No you don’t I saw you playing Clash of Clans when there was a foul, you could have spent that time to pay some attention to me but you chose your stupid Clash of Clans”. “But babe I just looked down to see who attacked my village that’s it” - “Don’t argue with me Zakk I was watching you the whole time” – “OK what do you want me to do, not watch the match?” – “I don’t care, do whatever you want”.

Come on ladies, there should be rules of engagement clearly defined.
You can’t reduce a man to play his video game in the bathroom while he’s pretending to take a dump. And sometimes they catch you too, just when you think you've outsmarted them – “Are you playing Clash of Clans in the loo again?” you reply with a confident voice “No” – “Are you sure? You've been in there for over half an hour” - “I HAVE CONSTIPATION!”

Women have that ability to make you think you did something wrong and feel guilty about it when you did absolutely nothing wrong. And I hate it, absolutely hate it. Men we don’t ask for much – just let me watch my game and let me play my game. Is that too much to ask?

Driving in Delhi!

Driving is annoying and fucked up in a city like Delhi and its vicinity. I can completely understand why people shoot, stab and beat each other up just for the smallest reasons, I myself have gotten out of my car many times trying to break window glasses of other vehicles with my fist but failed miserably only to end up with a very sore and bruised knuckle (apparently car window glasses are really thick).  

But getting back to the point I’ve always wondered why, most drivers in Delhi NCR are so reckless and have absolutely no patience, civic sense or for that matter commonsense. 

I have also noticed that people from the hilly regions of India are better drivers have better driving etiquette.  And I believe it is because these qualities have been passed down through the family. I never saw my dad or uncles or even our drivers drive on the wrong side or saw them use high beam at night. And as a kid you tend to notice these things and when we finally learned to drive, we understood what was right and what was wrong. Add to that the strict driving test we had to go through to get our license, made us realize how unsafe the road and how much safer we needed to drive.

I have seen grown ass men driving with their families and kids in the car breaking all kinds of traffic rules and it saddens me because their kids are going to learn from what they see and believe it’s ok to be reckless. Like father like son. Now look at this son of a bitch below, smiling away when one mistake could kill his entire family. It's funny I admit but so sad that even traffic cops let them get away with it.

Enough of that, for those of you who have never driven in Delhi NCR here’s what it’s like. It’s like a string of near death experiences for hours at an end if you have to travel far. No one gives a fuck about traffic lights, and the ones that do think yellow means you have to put the pedal to the metal. Pedestrians are no good either, the think when the traffic light turns green for the vehicles to go, it means it’s safe for them to cross the road, so by the time the traffic light turn yellow only a few cars would have passes the light. When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - What the Fuckkkkk! 

People don’t plan their route in advance and take the proper lane, if they have to take a left in about 500 meters they will drive on the right side of the road till they reach the turn disrupting traffic as they shamelessly attempt their turn. When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - What the Fuckkkkk!

Delhi NCR drivers don’t know how to tackle curves either; they don’t flow with the curve but cut in on everyone. And then we have the knight riders, who believe they are perpetually on a race course, they’ll zip past you in full speed out of nowhere and be gone as fast as they arrived. We also have the honkers, these fools will relentlessly honk till you go mad. Stuck at a red light? They will honk till it’s green. When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - What the Fuckkkkk!

We also have the smart fools who believe that it’s safer to drive slowly on the fast lane while they’re on their mobile phone. Can you imagine how frustrating it is to follow a slow car in the fast lane? When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - Fuckkkkk You!

There’s so much more I want to write about but just thinking about it makes me want to pull my hair and scream like a mad man. And the sad part is that most drivers have lost their humanity, no one cares to give way to an ambulance, or stop to offer help if your car breaks down. But most of all blame the government. Here’s what a driving test is like in India covered by BBC’s Jeremy Clarkson.

 Come on people lets learn to drive better, there's still hope for our children to be better drivers and safer drivers. 

Understanding the Feminist Woman - Part 2

In my last blog I wrote about me trying to understanding the independent feminist woman, and after some long hard thinking and research I've figured there’s no understanding them. In fact they themselves don’t know what they want, they’re as confused as we are. Because the movement is new to them and they’re enjoying the fight and the semi freedom. The only way we can relate to them is if we look back in our teenage rebel years, young and free “I’ll do whatever I want” stage of life. A lot of the things they’re demanding make sense but some of them are just plain jibberish. If you go through some of their websites and actually read what they’re discussing, it’s laughable. They go so far as every woman should keep it bushy down south (agreed, to each her own hairstyle north and south of the body) but they talk about the scent too, and some of them argue that it’s a woman’s natural smell, men should appreciate it and women should not be ashamed of it. I mean what the fuck man! Really? I'm just glad that its still a mans world, and that things are still proper. 

I will say this for it must be said “Everything I know about being a proper gentleman was killed by feminism”. Chivalry is dead and women killed it! I don't even open doors for women anymore, I'm like "fuck it, you have 2 perfect arms do it yourself". I don't even offer seats to women anymore unless they're grannies or expecting mothers, I'm like "fuck it, you have 2 perfect set of legs, stand on them motherfuckers".

To be really honest feminist scare the shit out of me, because they’re unpredictable. And dating one would be…I don’t even have the word for it besides scary. She would shout at you for trying to be a man, hell she might even sue you for that shit. So my advice is stay away from them if you're an old timer like me. Trust me these women are crazy.

Quote: "Shes crazy, and just when you think you've reached the bottom of her craziness, there's a crazy underground garage"

Imagine you're dating one and its late at night and you're texting each other getting all romantic and shit, and you text her "babe I wanna get to know you better" in half a second flat she sends you this:

Don't you think the first statement outweighs the second? Yes she bakes cookies and shit, thats all thats there for you as her partner, if you're good to her you get cookies and shit, you make her the happiest woman in the world and all you get is cookies and shit. Is cookies worth being made to wish you were never born at all it? I mean Fuck cookies! what if I'm tired of eating cookies every damn day? 

Now there's a small chance you might say that was cute, now you ask her "babe I miss you, do you miss me too" and half a second later you get this: 

Now if you're an old fashioned guy like me, this is not my idea of romance. I know missing someone hurts but its not the same hurt as being smacked in the fucking face with a fucking rock. and it ends with "I hope you get the point here", the only point i got is that you're fucking crazy woman. You start thinking if shes like this when shes happy, I really don't wanna know what she might be like pissed off, she might cut your head off, or even worse drug you and cut... umm you know...'it'. 

It no hidden fact that we will never understand women, they don't understand themselves either, which is fair but what really pisses me off is that they try very hard to complicate whats already complicated. By that I mean they try really hard to make sure you never understand them. Don't believe me? This is a top secret message that was intercepted by one of my undercover spies. 

Now you tell me how much more fucked up can things get! 

I just glad its still a mans world. :-)

Happy Birthday Ma'am

Dating Da General Aka Me!

What dating me would be like. (The way I see it)

Everyone thinks about how they would make a good boyfriend or a girlfriend because let’s face it we only know the good sides of us and how we see ourselves is more or less the way we want people to see us. In our own versions of every story, we're always right, damn right! And I was just thinking about how good of a boyfriend I'd make last night and tried not to be too self-centered. After much pondering, I realized I’d be more than a handful to handle (pun intended) but I'd make a really awesome boyfriend. J

Ok so here’s a list of what you could expect from dating me.

• I’m a Chelsea FC fanatic. My mood and quite possibly the fate of our evening and relationship could hang on the results of a Chelsea match and your reaction to it.
• I may be old but I don’t think I ever grew up. Most of the time I would think and react like a boy which could sometimes look cute but sometimes downright frustrating.
• I throw tantrums like it’s a hobby. Like when a kid wants a toy and you don’t buy the toy for him and he starts crying in the middle of the street rolling over like a mad man with an epileptic episode. Annoying as fuck till you buy it for him and he has the most adorable face ever and you look at the kid and you’re like ‘awwww’ - I think I may be like that. I’m not sure but I think I can pull off the look.
• I would probably buy stuff for you from time to time and surprise you with gifts.
• I’m very romantic but like to be romanced every once in a while.
• I’m an attention seeking missile that can explode with unprecedented drama.
• I hate to admit it but I do like my drink (whiskey please). I mean after a long hard days work all I look forward to is going home and switching on the TV and have a few glasses, eat like a king and sleep.
• I’ve been trying to quit smoking forever and I haven’t given up on trying either, so you’d probably be very annoyed with my regular failed attempts at some point of time.
• I always sleep on the right side of the bed. That’s my zone, my area no matter whose bed it is. So you might have to learn to sleep on the left side.
• After a good shower I sometimes use a conditioner to condition my beard, chest hair, arm pits and other such parts which I shall not mention.
• I’m a perfume freak, I like to smell good but I sometimes over do it.
• I’d probably have more shoes and perfumes than you do, which does not make me gay.
• I have a very mild case of OCD but nothing serious.
• I have a habit of losing my temper over unnecessary stuff. Like if I see a guy drop something and I know that knows that he’s dropped something and doesn't pick it up right away, I will effin get pissed off.
• I don’t know why but I wear my watch on my right hand.
• I snore a lot and I snore loud, sometimes I can actually really hear myself snore in my sleep.
• I love my Grandmother and my brother more than anyone else in the whole wide world.
• On certain Sundays I like to smoke up and watch movies all day. I might even forget to call you or procrastinate on replying to your texts.  
• I have high blood pressure and regularly forget to take my meds and do absolutely nothing to control it either.
• On certain occasions I will pick a fight with you for no reason at all like it’s something to do.
• I’d like to think I have a soft heart and am very compassionate masked by a bad ass image.
• I also like to think I’m very friendly but I've been told otherwise.

I could go on but I think this kinda sums me up quite well. But I’ll leave you with this awesome picture and my cousin Zizi description of it. Cheers!

The subliminal messages !!!.... cute kid to show you are safe and potentially a good dad...scholastic books in the foreground to show of the smarts... shot showing off your shoulders but cutting out your belly...sunglasses off so we can see your eyes but hanging from your shirt so we know you are cool enough to wear them...the laideezs have no chance!!!
Amen!

Understanding Miss. Independent

Against all odds, if I were younger I’d be deeply in love by now.
Against all odds, as I grow older I try not to.

I think starting a relationship as we grow older becomes more of a challenge on ourselves. For one we’re too damn smart and experienced on what love and relationships can do to us so we become overly cautious about everything. Every fight for instance becomes a sneak peek of what lies ahead, whatever the person said is so carefully scrutinized it starts to have a whole new meaning to what it was intended.

Eg. After a long argument one person ends with “You’re such an ass!” the other pauses for a while and the next thing you hear is “Did you just call me fat?”…“You know I have problems with my weight, but THAT does not give you the right to call my whole body an ASS”.

Relationships are hard, way harder now than it was back then. Dating an independent woman is toughest though because you never know what to do or say. You can’t buy her expensive stuff coz she might take offence to it, she might be like “oh…you think I can’t buy this for myself? I’m an independent woman” and you can’t buy anything cheap coz she’d start thinking you’re a cheap ass and that if things got serious between you two, you could possibly not take care of the family. You can’t even take them out for a romantic date and pay the bills like a man, instead you have to sit there like a broke ass bitch and watch the smirk on the waiters face while you chip in half and she takes care of the other half of the bill.

I love independent women, I mean I admire them, they have balls, don’t take bullshit and they take care of themselves. But dating one may be a problem I presume. You might be wondering how I came to this profound presumption/conclusion, well just for the sake of sounding controversial and a downright A-hole I’m gonna say this - because the concept of freedom is rather new for them.

I can imagine women’s face getting red and looking for some shit to hurl at me. But let me explain why, I’m an old fashioned guy, and as any old fashioned guy I need to understand why things change and how it affects me to an extent that I have to change too.

In my next update I shall explain how I came to this conclusion… stay tuned