Happy Birthday Ma'am

Dating Da General Aka Me!

What dating me would be like. (The way I see it)

Everyone thinks about how they would make a good boyfriend or a girlfriend because let’s face it we only know the good sides of us and how we see ourselves is more or less the way we want people to see us. In our own versions of every story, we're always right, damn right! And I was just thinking about how good of a boyfriend I'd make last night and tried not to be too self-centered. After much pondering, I realized I’d be more than a handful to handle (pun intended) but I'd make a really awesome boyfriend. J

Ok so here’s a list of what you could expect from dating me.

• I’m a Chelsea FC fanatic. My mood and quite possibly the fate of our evening and relationship could hang on the results of a Chelsea match and your reaction to it.
• I may be old but I don’t think I ever grew up. Most of the time I would think and react like a boy which could sometimes look cute but sometimes downright frustrating.
• I throw tantrums like it’s a hobby. Like when a kid wants a toy and you don’t buy the toy for him and he starts crying in the middle of the street rolling over like a mad man with an epileptic episode. Annoying as fuck till you buy it for him and he has the most adorable face ever and you look at the kid and you’re like ‘awwww’ - I think I may be like that. I’m not sure but I think I can pull off the look.
• I would probably buy stuff for you from time to time and surprise you with gifts.
• I’m very romantic but like to be romanced every once in a while.
• I’m an attention seeking missile that can explode with unprecedented drama.
• I hate to admit it but I do like my drink (whiskey please). I mean after a long hard days work all I look forward to is going home and switching on the TV and have a few glasses, eat like a king and sleep.
• I’ve been trying to quit smoking forever and I haven’t given up on trying either, so you’d probably be very annoyed with my regular failed attempts at some point of time.
• I always sleep on the right side of the bed. That’s my zone, my area no matter whose bed it is. So you might have to learn to sleep on the left side.
• After a good shower I sometimes use a conditioner to condition my beard, chest hair, arm pits and other such parts which I shall not mention.
• I’m a perfume freak, I like to smell good but I sometimes over do it.
• I’d probably have more shoes and perfumes than you do, which does not make me gay.
• I have a very mild case of OCD but nothing serious.
• I have a habit of losing my temper over unnecessary stuff. Like if I see a guy drop something and I know that knows that he’s dropped something and doesn't pick it up right away, I will effin get pissed off.
• I don’t know why but I wear my watch on my right hand.
• I snore a lot and I snore loud, sometimes I can actually really hear myself snore in my sleep.
• I love my Grandmother and my brother more than anyone else in the whole wide world.
• On certain Sundays I like to smoke up and watch movies all day. I might even forget to call you or procrastinate on replying to your texts.  
• I have high blood pressure and regularly forget to take my meds and do absolutely nothing to control it either.
• On certain occasions I will pick a fight with you for no reason at all like it’s something to do.
• I’d like to think I have a soft heart and am very compassionate masked by a bad ass image.
• I also like to think I’m very friendly but I've been told otherwise.

I could go on but I think this kinda sums me up quite well. But I’ll leave you with this awesome picture and my cousin Zizi description of it. Cheers!

The subliminal messages !!!.... cute kid to show you are safe and potentially a good dad...scholastic books in the foreground to show of the smarts... shot showing off your shoulders but cutting out your belly...sunglasses off so we can see your eyes but hanging from your shirt so we know you are cool enough to wear them...the laideezs have no chance!!!
Amen!

Understanding Miss. Independent

Against all odds, if I were younger I’d be deeply in love by now.
Against all odds, as I grow older I try not to.

I think starting a relationship as we grow older becomes more of a challenge on ourselves. For one we’re too damn smart and experienced on what love and relationships can do to us so we become overly cautious about everything. Every fight for instance becomes a sneak peek of what lies ahead, whatever the person said is so carefully scrutinized it starts to have a whole new meaning to what it was intended.

Eg. After a long argument one person ends with “You’re such an ass!” the other pauses for a while and the next thing you hear is “Did you just call me fat?”…“You know I have problems with my weight, but THAT does not give you the right to call my whole body an ASS”.

Relationships are hard, way harder now than it was back then. Dating an independent woman is toughest though because you never know what to do or say. You can’t buy her expensive stuff coz she might take offence to it, she might be like “oh…you think I can’t buy this for myself? I’m an independent woman” and you can’t buy anything cheap coz she’d start thinking you’re a cheap ass and that if things got serious between you two, you could possibly not take care of the family. You can’t even take them out for a romantic date and pay the bills like a man, instead you have to sit there like a broke ass bitch and watch the smirk on the waiters face while you chip in half and she takes care of the other half of the bill.

I love independent women, I mean I admire them, they have balls, don’t take bullshit and they take care of themselves. But dating one may be a problem I presume. You might be wondering how I came to this profound presumption/conclusion, well just for the sake of sounding controversial and a downright A-hole I’m gonna say this - because the concept of freedom is rather new for them.

I can imagine women’s face getting red and looking for some shit to hurl at me. But let me explain why, I’m an old fashioned guy, and as any old fashioned guy I need to understand why things change and how it affects me to an extent that I have to change too.

In my next update I shall explain how I came to this conclusion… stay tuned

Sometimes...

I can feel the cold sensation of disinterest creeping up my mind. How can it be when only 9 and two thirds of an hour ago it was the warm feeling of contentment cascading through my soul?

Halfway between a quarter and a half mid life crisis, I somehow for the first time see myself as a third person. From the safety of a vantage point I watch myself looking at myself with complete contempt.

I see a man scarred with scars, dark dots and jagged lines and circles cloaked with a personality of a semi mad man part time drunk. The eclipse slowly but surely swallows his humanity as he slowly fades from existence.  

The beard, yes the beard is a mask, a façade just like his clothes hiding his scars. He looks like a dying man desperately living to die. A man abandoned by hope with extreme prejudice. 

Real Men

What’s the difference between a man and a real man? You might think you know the answer, getting all philosophical and shit. The truth is, YOU DON'T KNOW! Lucky for you I'm here to educate your ignorant ass once again. Just follow my advice, and you will learn how to be a real man, get more respect and women will fall for you like the great walls of Jericho. Hallelujah!

The answer to the question above is simple- hold tight and shake hard!

Hell no! I don’t mean your...(you know) or anyone else’s. I’m talking about a hug and a hand shake. 

Anyway here’s how its done:

Hold Tight

What’s a hug? A hug is a sign that you adore someone, that you miss them, you love them, that they mean something to you, so when you hug someone be it a man hug or a woman hug, hug them like you mean it, put some strength into it. It really doesn’t matter if you’re a bad ass gangster or a gentleman, if you don’t know how to hug proper – you’re a bitch!

But remember you cannot 'man hug' a woman and 'woman hug' a man, please don't ever do that. A man hug or a bro hug is a quick one, just 3 seconds long - use your right hand to grasp another man’s left hand and put some man strength to it and pull him close very quickly with just one shoulder touching theirs followed by a quick a pat on the back and let go. Any longer and you might leave the wrong impression. The arms should come between the shoulder and chest during the hug, you cannot have two men rubbing their chest together, it’s just not right. No No No.

Now a woman hug is more emotional and means a lot more. In a woman hug you use both arms, hold her gently before you put some strength into it (not too much though) and hold her tight as her head rests on your chest. It’s all about showing them who’s the man! It’s about showing them that you're there and that she has nothing to fear. It’s about showing them that they are safe and secure in your arms. It’s about showing them that you are her Knight in shining armor. If you do it right you will hear a sigh of relief from her and feel her heartbeat slow down. And you will feel like a real man. Don’t ever lazy hug anyone, for me it’s just plain offensive and I will despise you forever!

Shake Hard

Nothing, really Nothing fucking irritates me more than a weak handshake from another man. If you weak handshake me or offer just the tip of your hand I will despise your guts and brand you as a pussy.
A handshake was a sacred man thing back in the day - women were never allowed to shake a man’s hand because it was what men do. Handshakes were a sign that you were unarmed and a sign of trust and goodwill. Cowboys would spit on their hands and shake when deals were made. Offer a weak shake or the tip of your hand to a cowboy and you’d probably get your jingle bells blown off.

A good firm hold and two solid shakes is all it takes to confirm that you are a self confident, assertive man that cannot be messed around with. If you give me a weak shake I already know that I can defeat you mentally. If you offer me the tip of your fucking hand I know that I can beat you up mentally and physically, I might even be tempted to bitch slap you.

Here’s how you do a proper handshake – Look at the person in the eye, offer your hand, firmly grasp his hand, smile then shake twice and quickly let go. If you have something to say, do it after you let go, never hold another man’s hand while you’re talking to him, never do the endless awkward shake, never use two hands to shake a man’s hand, never rub his hands or feel his arms unless you want to get punched on the face.  

So there you have it, how to be a real man - Hold tight and shake hard!

Cheers happy weekend!

Writers Block

There’s nothing worse than a writer’s block for a writer because...arrrrrghhhhhh Fuck the Universe!

 until next time.

She...

She carries herself with a certain degree of finesse and a complete disregard for what the world might say. She smiles beautiful and her eyes sparkle with coquettish joyful flirtation; I get weak in the knees.

It's okay that she doesn't know how to french kiss and id give it up any day for hers, but we do occasionally bitch about the French for inventing something that’s so complicated and unnecessary.  

She’s two extremes in a body, never shy to speak her mind. When I look at her I see a halo and a “Piss me off at your own risk” sign. I have made it my personal mission to trespass.

The world demands that relationships be defined but we like the way we pretend there’s nothing going on between us, like a well kept secret everyone knows.

It’s funny how two broken people can fit so well together, I sometimes feel like we were broken intentionally so that we could fit together.  

So, do I like her? I don’t think I have any say in it.