Random Ranting

Aren’t we a fucking lazy bunch? Or is it just our complete disregard for others? I read somewhere that India is a nation that’s always in a rush to get somewhere but never on time. Well it’s because we as a nation are fucking lazy and have no respect for others. Seriously, the fucking street sweepers start sweeping the roads at 9 am with their carts parked in the road during rush fucking hour, slowing traffic. Why can’t they do it at 5 AM or maybe 6 AM?

And the worst part is once you've managed to get past the ignorant sweepers of Delhi and enter Noida, you find yourself in another un-necessary traffic  – a Cow/Bull decides, “hmmm... it’s a nice warm morning, I think I’ll take a nap right in the middle of the fucking road. fuck humans”. These are days when you just want to die!

Talk about dying I think a part of me died the day I watched 50 shades - the movie. I actually hated my laptop after watching it. I don’t know why even though it was my decision to watch, I hated my laptop for showing it to me. I have nothing good to say about that fucking movie. And the worst part is I’ve seen movies worse than 50 Shades that gave me a boner at least, that fucking movie just confused my weaner.

As for weaners and all things related to its whereabouts, I think Indian men have the worst toilet etiquette. I have worked in 3 of the biggest companies and trust me the men’s toilet is a nightmare, especially the commode. I have seen footprints on the commode seats and things on them that no man alive needs to see.

And I can never understand why they keep putting sings that say "throw used toilet paper in the dustbin". What are we suppose to just wipe our butt and throw it in the dustbin? It's not a very delightful sight to behold while taking a dump, you know.

I imagine some people playing 'Guess Who's Ass-Wipe' - "The one on top is really light yellow, so it must be Rahul's ass wipe tissue, he was complaining about his stomach from the samosa he had in the morning. The one below it is 2 shades darker..." - Who knows about these thing's.

I for one was brought up by women and they had strict rules for using the toilet, especially my Granny. If I broke the rules I was made to do my business in the makeshift toilet in the garden. 

She had three simple rules:

•  If you’re going to pee, lift the seat. 
• When done put it back down. Always flush after use.
• Think about the next person using it as yourself, so leave it clean.

And I've always carried these things with me, but I guess people grew up differently or maybe they just don’t give a shit. Anyway here's a cat that clearly does not give a shit!

Sometimes I just get so frustrated and tired at the mess we have to go through when we all know that if we stop to care a little about others everything would be better.

Some day India, some day.

29

She never thought ‘29’, a number so random would bother her as much as she woke up that morning. Several intervals of her morning that day was spent in front of the mirror Sherlock Holmes’ing for signs on 29. I think she might have “Googled life expectancy” and came to no conclusion as to why it bothered her so much. She did her math, wondered if what she was feeling was a Mid Life crisis, but the numbers proved she was a year or two behind, feeling a little better she thought, maybe its a quarter Life crisis, but she was 4 or 5 years too late. "Fuck 29!" she thought to herself. The world would be a better place without 29, who needs 29? Things would be so much simpler if the counting system went “26,27,28,30…”. She didn't like the prospect of 30 after 29 either, but she hated 29 even more so, and the more she thought, the more it looked like an evil sibling determined to destroy her youth. Maybe it should just stop at 28…and numbers after that should cease to exist. Nature seemed to agree with her anger and disgust for 29, as it responded with thunder and rain. She peaked out the window anlooked at the gloomy dark sky. There was nothing happy about this day, nor this number, and everything around her seemed to agree. It didn't help that exactly 29 people called to wish her that morning. She googled 'facts about 29' as she lit her 29th cigarette of the day. No sooner did she stub her last cigarette and closed the page as she read the last fact – “29 is the Atomic number of Copper”.

A Sense Of Pride

There’s a sense of pride in being the first to have a girlfriend among childhood friends
There’s a sense of pride in telling people how many girlfriends you've
There’s a sense of pride in having broken a heart or two…maybe more
There’s a sense of pride in having survived a heart break you thought you never would
There’s a sense of pride in starting a new life
There’s a sense of pride in saying she’s my girlfriend
There’s a sense of pride in saying “I love you” once again
There’s a sense of pride in saying “she’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with”
There’s a sense of pride in saying  “She’s my fiancé”
There’s a sense of pride in saying “She’s my wife”
There’s a sense of pride when saying “I am what I am today because of her”
There’s a sense of pride in saying that “she’s the mother of my child”
But all of these pale in comparison to the pride you feel in realizing that she chose you.

This Boy Realized How Much He Loves His Girlfriend. You Wont Believe What He Did!

The key to maintaining a truly wonderful relationship is in a man’s hands. If you care enough to do the things I’m about to tell you, I promise you will have a wonderful relationship with your girlfriend/wife/friend. These advice's come from years of experience with women I've had the good blessing to be with. But as my chapter as a bachelor comes to an end, I feel it necessary to pass on what I have learned over the years. There are a lot of things I can write about but I’ll just make this short and sweet, pointing out only the major ones.

• Listen, listen and listen – Women love to talk! I understand for a man there’s only so much of listening we can do, but train yourself to filter out the rubbish and pick out the few important lines from all they say. Just remember the first part of what she said and the last part of what she said and you are safe.
•  It’s all about feelings – For women everything is about feelings…EVERYTHING! So knowing how she’s feeling will save you a lot of useless arguments.
•  Have a routine, to show her you care but do something unexpected every once in a while.
•  I don’t care what anyone says women love to be surprised so make sure you buy her something every once in a while. Doesn't have to be expensive but it’s the thought that counts.
• Hug her – Women loved to be hugged, maybe not in public but hug her often. Hug her when she looks sad, when she’s happy and most importantly when she least expects it. When you do hug her hug her like you mean it tight and strong.
• Give her attention – If you haven’t been communicating much the whole day and she sends you a nasty text or she’s being a bit of an ass when you meet, it means she wants attention. But don’t overdo the attention, don’t be up in her face all day every damn day. Give her space and attention to make sure she knows she’s on your mind. (It helps to set reminders on your phone) it reassures her that she belongs to you and you to her.
• Compliment her – Nothing can turn a woman’s mood around better than a compliment. If she’s had a bad day and she’s taking it out on you, listen to her, but as soon as the first round of outburst is over compliment her. See how that works. It’s important to listen to the first outburst coz that way she knows you’re there for her but no one needs a round 2, so to avoid it you compliment her.
•  Lead the conversation even when she thinks she’s leading the conversation – Women can be very self destructing and I mean that in a very cute way. Not in terms of destroying themselves but like I said in a very cute way. They will talk about something and that something will trigger a feeling in her that may make her feel sad, and once that happens it’s like an avalanche of emotional stuff if you don’t butt in. let’s say she’s talking to you about a cut dog she saw today, and suddenly she might remember a dog she had as a kid who went missing and how much she cried. That will trigger a memory of her favorite grandmother/father who has passed away and how much she misses them….etc. now if you have it in you to listen to that for 2 hours you deserve a medal, but if you don’t, know when to butt in and lead the conversation away from the topic. Just when you see the expression on her face change, butt in with a story about a dog you had and say hey maybe we should get a dog (you don’t really have to get it), what should we name it? See how that works.
•  Don’t make fun of her intelligence – if she’s smarter than you appreciate her intelligence if she’s not, appreciate her likewise. No matter how dumb you might think she is you will be surprised to know that she knows a lot of things you don’t know about. Remember intelligence is not measured on how much you or she knows about current affairs of just plain GK it is also measured on humility, compassion, ability to name a few.
• Never give up – In life or on her or on your relationship. Cowards give up and no one likes a person that gives up, not even you. There will be times when it seems impossible to be with her, because you’re constantly fighting. But just remember if you stick around long enough to fight through it, you will uncover the reason/s for the fights and once you get over that, you will fall in love all over again. The problem with men is that when provoked we are too impatient and reactive so we make mistakes we don’t mean to and when the consequences pile up we give up and walk away. If it’s your mistake face it like a man, as long as you don’t give up on yourself she won’t on you.
• Look her in the eye – it’s all about eye contact. When you tell her you’ll miss her, look her in the eye. When you tell her you love her, look her in the eye. Sometimes you won’t even have to say it out loud and she’ll get you.

Winter Cheers! Things to keep in mind.

Whooo hooo it’s that time of the year again! Yes, I mean winter and what does winter mean? Spot on brother – more alcohol! I love winter for obvious reasons, and also because it evokes a sense of romance. You feel like hugging more, embrace seems to have a whole new meaning, the sight of ‘warm regards’ in emails brings with it more love and affection… but enough of that crap, winter gives you reason to drink -  more parties = more drinks. It’s so cold…. = have a drink. I think I’m coming down with a fever = have a drink and sleep.

Anyway there are a few things to keep in mind with winter and alcohol to stay healthy. Remember the healthier you are the more you can drink.

1.      Many people believe Rum is the drink for winter as it keeps the body warmer. But there is no sufficient/ conclusive research on the validity of this – thus it can be termed a myth. But there’s no harm to it, drink away brothers. But what is true is that rum and coke does keep you more active and warm. If you are diabetic, I think you should stay away from Rum (in my opinion). Why? Well rum is made from sugar cane, and sugar turns into starch upon digestion and starch turns into sugar. But diabetics can drink any type of alcohol in moderation as it can decrease your blood sugar level. How you ask? Well it’s because your liver will be busy fighting off the toxins in alcohol and kinda forget to release glucose, but do not mix anything sweet with your drinks because the carbohydrates in them will spike up the sugar level. Cheers!

2.      The saying that ‘alcohol keeps my body warm’ is as true as it is false. Dafaq! Well what actually happens when you take alcohol in general is it dilates the peripheral blood vessels near your skin, increasing in more blood flow and thus the warm feeling. But the danger here is that the blood takes the warmth away from the core of your body, so even though you might feel warm because your skin is warm, you vital organs might not be as warm as you might think they are. So always remember to keep your body warm even when you feel warm. So no to streaking and alcohol in winter.

3.      Remember to keep your body hydrated at all times. It’s very easy to forget to drink water or not feel like drinking water during winter, especially if you have been drinking but always remember to drink water before and after you drink alcohol. A hangover is the body’s way of telling you it is really, really dehydrated so keep yourself hydrated. As I had mentioned before it takes about 4 hours for the liver to digest 1 peg of whiskey, so watch your drink. I’d suggest a glass of water between every drink.

So there it is folks a few things to remember as you enjoy your drinks this winter. Cheers!

My Team, My Game - Rules of Engagement

Every Sports fan has a ritual before watching a match of their favorite team. People find it stupid but for the true fans its serious stuff, everything we do or say could potentially make or break our teams’ performance. For me I've noticed that most of the times I go out to watch a Chelsea match at a friend’s place, we end up losing the match. So I've stopped watching it anywhere but home. I mean we do lose even when I watch it at home but the odds of us winning are much higher. Anyway, besides that I don’t really have a ritual anymore, but, I do like to have the necessities for a good match in place.

• Ideally I like to have the couch to myself. I have a fat ass so I like it when it spreads comfortably on the cushion.
• A bottle whiskey and a few bottles of chilled beer on the side with water and ice (all within an arm’s reach).
• Not really a muncher so I don’t need snacks.
• A packet of cigarettes.
• And if possible I really don’t like watching it with neutrals. By neutrals I mean if there’s a Chelsea vs Man United match I don’t like watching it with a….say Real Madrid fan. Neutrals are annoying lil turds, because they just don’t stop talking, one minute they’re on your side the next thing you know they’re on the other side and they will stick to the winning side and if the match ends as a draw they have everything to say about how both teams played wrong and how boring the match was. So fuck neutrals.

Now the only thing that is allowed to even closely interfere with the match or could take my attention from the match is a ‘Clash of Clans’ notification. I mean there are only 2 things that are important to a man and they are - his sports team and his video game. For me it’s Clash of Clans, I spend every window of spare time I get day and night, building my village, upgrading my defenses, protecting my people – ensuring that they have enough gold and elixir to have a normal life. So they need my constant attention and care.  But during a Chelsea match, Clash of Clans notifications also wait till half time or till there’s a short break.

Chelsea Vs Liverpool Match 2
Fairly entertaining first half is about to end and you hear a beep on your phone look down and it’s a Clash of Clans notification *Your village was raided by 鸡巴头 (it's always a Chinese dude). Your blood is boiling but you think to yourself I take care of the bastard during half time and get back to the match, and after 3 minutes of extra time Demba Ba scores! Its Chelsea 1 and Liverpool 0. You scream out “Yessss Goalllllll” pump your fist in the air. It’s good but you don’t want to be too cocky coz its only the first half and anything could happen in the second half, so you calm yourself down and a few minutes later the referee blows for half time.

Just as you’re about to check your phone to see the damage that this turd 鸡巴头 has done to your village, you hear a voice saying something absurd, so you just sort of ignore it. And then for the second time you hear it again loud and clear. You still can’t believe you just heard that coz it still sounds absurd even though it’s louder and clearer. Just as you’re about to continue to ignore it you hear it again for the third time – “You don’t miss me!” you reply really confused “What?”, “What do you mean I don’t miss you”-“You know exactly what I mean, You Don’t Miss Me”-“But babe, you’re right here with me in the same room, how can I miss you?”, “I mean…I don’t mean it like that but of course I miss you”- “No you don’t I saw you playing Clash of Clans when there was a foul, you could have spent that time to pay some attention to me but you chose your stupid Clash of Clans”. “But babe I just looked down to see who attacked my village that’s it” - “Don’t argue with me Zakk I was watching you the whole time” – “OK what do you want me to do, not watch the match?” – “I don’t care, do whatever you want”.

Come on ladies, there should be rules of engagement clearly defined.
You can’t reduce a man to play his video game in the bathroom while he’s pretending to take a dump. And sometimes they catch you too, just when you think you've outsmarted them – “Are you playing Clash of Clans in the loo again?” you reply with a confident voice “No” – “Are you sure? You've been in there for over half an hour” - “I HAVE CONSTIPATION!”

Women have that ability to make you think you did something wrong and feel guilty about it when you did absolutely nothing wrong. And I hate it, absolutely hate it. Men we don’t ask for much – just let me watch my game and let me play my game. Is that too much to ask?

Driving in Delhi!

Driving is annoying and fucked up in a city like Delhi and its vicinity. I can completely understand why people shoot, stab and beat each other up just for the smallest reasons, I myself have gotten out of my car many times trying to break window glasses of other vehicles with my fist but failed miserably only to end up with a very sore and bruised knuckle (apparently car window glasses are really thick).  

But getting back to the point I’ve always wondered why, most drivers in Delhi NCR are so reckless and have absolutely no patience, civic sense or for that matter commonsense. 

I have also noticed that people from the hilly regions of India are better drivers have better driving etiquette.  And I believe it is because these qualities have been passed down through the family. I never saw my dad or uncles or even our drivers drive on the wrong side or saw them use high beam at night. And as a kid you tend to notice these things and when we finally learned to drive, we understood what was right and what was wrong. Add to that the strict driving test we had to go through to get our license, made us realize how unsafe the road and how much safer we needed to drive.

I have seen grown ass men driving with their families and kids in the car breaking all kinds of traffic rules and it saddens me because their kids are going to learn from what they see and believe it’s ok to be reckless. Like father like son. Now look at this son of a bitch below, smiling away when one mistake could kill his entire family. It's funny I admit but so sad that even traffic cops let them get away with it.

Enough of that, for those of you who have never driven in Delhi NCR here’s what it’s like. It’s like a string of near death experiences for hours at an end if you have to travel far. No one gives a fuck about traffic lights, and the ones that do think yellow means you have to put the pedal to the metal. Pedestrians are no good either, the think when the traffic light turns green for the vehicles to go, it means it’s safe for them to cross the road, so by the time the traffic light turn yellow only a few cars would have passes the light. When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - What the Fuckkkkk! 

People don’t plan their route in advance and take the proper lane, if they have to take a left in about 500 meters they will drive on the right side of the road till they reach the turn disrupting traffic as they shamelessly attempt their turn. When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - What the Fuckkkkk!

Delhi NCR drivers don’t know how to tackle curves either; they don’t flow with the curve but cut in on everyone. And then we have the knight riders, who believe they are perpetually on a race course, they’ll zip past you in full speed out of nowhere and be gone as fast as they arrived. We also have the honkers, these fools will relentlessly honk till you go mad. Stuck at a red light? They will honk till it’s green. When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - What the Fuckkkkk!

We also have the smart fools who believe that it’s safer to drive slowly on the fast lane while they’re on their mobile phone. Can you imagine how frustrating it is to follow a slow car in the fast lane? When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - Fuckkkkk You!

There’s so much more I want to write about but just thinking about it makes me want to pull my hair and scream like a mad man. And the sad part is that most drivers have lost their humanity, no one cares to give way to an ambulance, or stop to offer help if your car breaks down. But most of all blame the government. Here’s what a driving test is like in India covered by BBC’s Jeremy Clarkson.

 Come on people lets learn to drive better, there's still hope for our children to be better drivers and safer drivers.