Driving in Delhi!

Driving is annoying and fucked up in a city like Delhi and its vicinity. I can completely understand why people shoot, stab and beat each other up just for the smallest reasons, I myself have gotten out of my car many times trying to break window glasses of other vehicles with my fist but failed miserably only to end up with a very sore and bruised knuckle (apparently car window glasses are really thick).  

But getting back to the point I’ve always wondered why, most drivers in Delhi NCR are so reckless and have absolutely no patience, civic sense or for that matter commonsense. 

I have also noticed that people from the hilly regions of India are better drivers have better driving etiquette.  And I believe it is because these qualities have been passed down through the family. I never saw my dad or uncles or even our drivers drive on the wrong side or saw them use high beam at night. And as a kid you tend to notice these things and when we finally learned to drive, we understood what was right and what was wrong. Add to that the strict driving test we had to go through to get our license, made us realize how unsafe the road and how much safer we needed to drive.

I have seen grown ass men driving with their families and kids in the car breaking all kinds of traffic rules and it saddens me because their kids are going to learn from what they see and believe it’s ok to be reckless. Like father like son. Now look at this son of a bitch below, smiling away when one mistake could kill his entire family. It's funny I admit but so sad that even traffic cops let them get away with it.

Enough of that, for those of you who have never driven in Delhi NCR here’s what it’s like. It’s like a string of near death experiences for hours at an end if you have to travel far. No one gives a fuck about traffic lights, and the ones that do think yellow means you have to put the pedal to the metal. Pedestrians are no good either, the think when the traffic light turns green for the vehicles to go, it means it’s safe for them to cross the road, so by the time the traffic light turn yellow only a few cars would have passes the light. When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - What the Fuckkkkk! 

People don’t plan their route in advance and take the proper lane, if they have to take a left in about 500 meters they will drive on the right side of the road till they reach the turn disrupting traffic as they shamelessly attempt their turn. When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - What the Fuckkkkk!

Delhi NCR drivers don’t know how to tackle curves either; they don’t flow with the curve but cut in on everyone. And then we have the knight riders, who believe they are perpetually on a race course, they’ll zip past you in full speed out of nowhere and be gone as fast as they arrived. We also have the honkers, these fools will relentlessly honk till you go mad. Stuck at a red light? They will honk till it’s green. When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - What the Fuckkkkk!

We also have the smart fools who believe that it’s safer to drive slowly on the fast lane while they’re on their mobile phone. Can you imagine how frustrating it is to follow a slow car in the fast lane? When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - Fuckkkkk You!

There’s so much more I want to write about but just thinking about it makes me want to pull my hair and scream like a mad man. And the sad part is that most drivers have lost their humanity, no one cares to give way to an ambulance, or stop to offer help if your car breaks down. But most of all blame the government. Here’s what a driving test is like in India covered by BBC’s Jeremy Clarkson.

 Come on people lets learn to drive better, there's still hope for our children to be better drivers and safer drivers. 

Understanding the Feminist Woman - Part 2

In my last blog I wrote about me trying to understanding the independent feminist woman, and after some long hard thinking and research I've figured there’s no understanding them. In fact they themselves don’t know what they want, they’re as confused as we are. Because the movement is new to them and they’re enjoying the fight and the semi freedom. The only way we can relate to them is if we look back in our teenage rebel years, young and free “I’ll do whatever I want” stage of life. A lot of the things they’re demanding make sense but some of them are just plain jibberish. If you go through some of their websites and actually read what they’re discussing, it’s laughable. They go so far as every woman should keep it bushy down south (agreed, to each her own hairstyle north and south of the body) but they talk about the scent too, and some of them argue that it’s a woman’s natural smell, men should appreciate it and women should not be ashamed of it. I mean what the fuck man! Really? I'm just glad that its still a mans world, and that things are still proper. 

I will say this for it must be said “Everything I know about being a proper gentleman was killed by feminism”. Chivalry is dead and women killed it! I don't even open doors for women anymore, I'm like "fuck it, you have 2 perfect arms do it yourself". I don't even offer seats to women anymore unless they're grannies or expecting mothers, I'm like "fuck it, you have 2 perfect set of legs, stand on them motherfuckers".

To be really honest feminist scare the shit out of me, because they’re unpredictable. And dating one would be…I don’t even have the word for it besides scary. She would shout at you for trying to be a man, hell she might even sue you for that shit. So my advice is stay away from them if you're an old timer like me. Trust me these women are crazy.

Quote: "Shes crazy, and just when you think you've reached the bottom of her craziness, there's a crazy underground garage"

Imagine you're dating one and its late at night and you're texting each other getting all romantic and shit, and you text her "babe I wanna get to know you better" in half a second flat she sends you this:

Don't you think the first statement outweighs the second? Yes she bakes cookies and shit, thats all thats there for you as her partner, if you're good to her you get cookies and shit, you make her the happiest woman in the world and all you get is cookies and shit. Is cookies worth being made to wish you were never born at all it? I mean Fuck cookies! what if I'm tired of eating cookies every damn day? 

Now there's a small chance you might say that was cute, now you ask her "babe I miss you, do you miss me too" and half a second later you get this: 

Now if you're an old fashioned guy like me, this is not my idea of romance. I know missing someone hurts but its not the same hurt as being smacked in the fucking face with a fucking rock. and it ends with "I hope you get the point here", the only point i got is that you're fucking crazy woman. You start thinking if shes like this when shes happy, I really don't wanna know what she might be like pissed off, she might cut your head off, or even worse drug you and cut... umm you know...'it'. 

It no hidden fact that we will never understand women, they don't understand themselves either, which is fair but what really pisses me off is that they try very hard to complicate whats already complicated. By that I mean they try really hard to make sure you never understand them. Don't believe me? This is a top secret message that was intercepted by one of my undercover spies. 

Now you tell me how much more fucked up can things get! 

I just glad its still a mans world. :-)

Happy Birthday Ma'am

Dating Da General Aka Me!

What dating me would be like. (The way I see it)

Everyone thinks about how they would make a good boyfriend or a girlfriend because let’s face it we only know the good sides of us and how we see ourselves is more or less the way we want people to see us. In our own versions of every story, we're always right, damn right! And I was just thinking about how good of a boyfriend I'd make last night and tried not to be too self-centered. After much pondering, I realized I’d be more than a handful to handle (pun intended) but I'd make a really awesome boyfriend. J

Ok so here’s a list of what you could expect from dating me.

• I’m a Chelsea FC fanatic. My mood and quite possibly the fate of our evening and relationship could hang on the results of a Chelsea match and your reaction to it.
• I may be old but I don’t think I ever grew up. Most of the time I would think and react like a boy which could sometimes look cute but sometimes downright frustrating.
• I throw tantrums like it’s a hobby. Like when a kid wants a toy and you don’t buy the toy for him and he starts crying in the middle of the street rolling over like a mad man with an epileptic episode. Annoying as fuck till you buy it for him and he has the most adorable face ever and you look at the kid and you’re like ‘awwww’ - I think I may be like that. I’m not sure but I think I can pull off the look.
• I would probably buy stuff for you from time to time and surprise you with gifts.
• I’m very romantic but like to be romanced every once in a while.
• I’m an attention seeking missile that can explode with unprecedented drama.
• I hate to admit it but I do like my drink (whiskey please). I mean after a long hard days work all I look forward to is going home and switching on the TV and have a few glasses, eat like a king and sleep.
• I’ve been trying to quit smoking forever and I haven’t given up on trying either, so you’d probably be very annoyed with my regular failed attempts at some point of time.
• I always sleep on the right side of the bed. That’s my zone, my area no matter whose bed it is. So you might have to learn to sleep on the left side.
• After a good shower I sometimes use a conditioner to condition my beard, chest hair, arm pits and other such parts which I shall not mention.
• I’m a perfume freak, I like to smell good but I sometimes over do it.
• I’d probably have more shoes and perfumes than you do, which does not make me gay.
• I have a very mild case of OCD but nothing serious.
• I have a habit of losing my temper over unnecessary stuff. Like if I see a guy drop something and I know that knows that he’s dropped something and doesn't pick it up right away, I will effin get pissed off.
• I don’t know why but I wear my watch on my right hand.
• I snore a lot and I snore loud, sometimes I can actually really hear myself snore in my sleep.
• I love my Grandmother and my brother more than anyone else in the whole wide world.
• On certain Sundays I like to smoke up and watch movies all day. I might even forget to call you or procrastinate on replying to your texts.  
• I have high blood pressure and regularly forget to take my meds and do absolutely nothing to control it either.
• On certain occasions I will pick a fight with you for no reason at all like it’s something to do.
• I’d like to think I have a soft heart and am very compassionate masked by a bad ass image.
• I also like to think I’m very friendly but I've been told otherwise.

I could go on but I think this kinda sums me up quite well. But I’ll leave you with this awesome picture and my cousin Zizi description of it. Cheers!

The subliminal messages !!!.... cute kid to show you are safe and potentially a good dad...scholastic books in the foreground to show of the smarts... shot showing off your shoulders but cutting out your belly...sunglasses off so we can see your eyes but hanging from your shirt so we know you are cool enough to wear them...the laideezs have no chance!!!
Amen!

Understanding Miss. Independent

Against all odds, if I were younger I’d be deeply in love by now.
Against all odds, as I grow older I try not to.

I think starting a relationship as we grow older becomes more of a challenge on ourselves. For one we’re too damn smart and experienced on what love and relationships can do to us so we become overly cautious about everything. Every fight for instance becomes a sneak peek of what lies ahead, whatever the person said is so carefully scrutinized it starts to have a whole new meaning to what it was intended.

Eg. After a long argument one person ends with “You’re such an ass!” the other pauses for a while and the next thing you hear is “Did you just call me fat?”…“You know I have problems with my weight, but THAT does not give you the right to call my whole body an ASS”.

Relationships are hard, way harder now than it was back then. Dating an independent woman is toughest though because you never know what to do or say. You can’t buy her expensive stuff coz she might take offence to it, she might be like “oh…you think I can’t buy this for myself? I’m an independent woman” and you can’t buy anything cheap coz she’d start thinking you’re a cheap ass and that if things got serious between you two, you could possibly not take care of the family. You can’t even take them out for a romantic date and pay the bills like a man, instead you have to sit there like a broke ass bitch and watch the smirk on the waiters face while you chip in half and she takes care of the other half of the bill.

I love independent women, I mean I admire them, they have balls, don’t take bullshit and they take care of themselves. But dating one may be a problem I presume. You might be wondering how I came to this profound presumption/conclusion, well just for the sake of sounding controversial and a downright A-hole I’m gonna say this - because the concept of freedom is rather new for them.

I can imagine women’s face getting red and looking for some shit to hurl at me. But let me explain why, I’m an old fashioned guy, and as any old fashioned guy I need to understand why things change and how it affects me to an extent that I have to change too.

In my next update I shall explain how I came to this conclusion… stay tuned

Sometimes...

I can feel the cold sensation of disinterest creeping up my mind. How can it be when only 9 and two thirds of an hour ago it was the warm feeling of contentment cascading through my soul?

Halfway between a quarter and a half mid life crisis, I somehow for the first time see myself as a third person. From the safety of a vantage point I watch myself looking at myself with complete contempt.

I see a man scarred with scars, dark dots and jagged lines and circles cloaked with a personality of a semi mad man part time drunk. The eclipse slowly but surely swallows his humanity as he slowly fades from existence.  

The beard, yes the beard is a mask, a façade just like his clothes hiding his scars. He looks like a dying man desperately living to die. A man abandoned by hope with extreme prejudice. 

Real Men

What’s the difference between a man and a real man? You might think you know the answer, getting all philosophical and shit. The truth is, YOU DON'T KNOW! Lucky for you I'm here to educate your ignorant ass once again. Just follow my advice, and you will learn how to be a real man, get more respect and women will fall for you like the great walls of Jericho. Hallelujah!

The answer to the question above is simple- hold tight and shake hard!

Hell no! I don’t mean your...(you know) or anyone else’s. I’m talking about a hug and a hand shake. 

Anyway here’s how its done:

Hold Tight

What’s a hug? A hug is a sign that you adore someone, that you miss them, you love them, that they mean something to you, so when you hug someone be it a man hug or a woman hug, hug them like you mean it, put some strength into it. It really doesn’t matter if you’re a bad ass gangster or a gentleman, if you don’t know how to hug proper – you’re a bitch!

But remember you cannot 'man hug' a woman and 'woman hug' a man, please don't ever do that. A man hug or a bro hug is a quick one, just 3 seconds long - use your right hand to grasp another man’s left hand and put some man strength to it and pull him close very quickly with just one shoulder touching theirs followed by a quick a pat on the back and let go. Any longer and you might leave the wrong impression. The arms should come between the shoulder and chest during the hug, you cannot have two men rubbing their chest together, it’s just not right. No No No.

Now a woman hug is more emotional and means a lot more. In a woman hug you use both arms, hold her gently before you put some strength into it (not too much though) and hold her tight as her head rests on your chest. It’s all about showing them who’s the man! It’s about showing them that you're there and that she has nothing to fear. It’s about showing them that they are safe and secure in your arms. It’s about showing them that you are her Knight in shining armor. If you do it right you will hear a sigh of relief from her and feel her heartbeat slow down. And you will feel like a real man. Don’t ever lazy hug anyone, for me it’s just plain offensive and I will despise you forever!

Shake Hard

Nothing, really Nothing fucking irritates me more than a weak handshake from another man. If you weak handshake me or offer just the tip of your hand I will despise your guts and brand you as a pussy.
A handshake was a sacred man thing back in the day - women were never allowed to shake a man’s hand because it was what men do. Handshakes were a sign that you were unarmed and a sign of trust and goodwill. Cowboys would spit on their hands and shake when deals were made. Offer a weak shake or the tip of your hand to a cowboy and you’d probably get your jingle bells blown off.

A good firm hold and two solid shakes is all it takes to confirm that you are a self confident, assertive man that cannot be messed around with. If you give me a weak shake I already know that I can defeat you mentally. If you offer me the tip of your fucking hand I know that I can beat you up mentally and physically, I might even be tempted to bitch slap you.

Here’s how you do a proper handshake – Look at the person in the eye, offer your hand, firmly grasp his hand, smile then shake twice and quickly let go. If you have something to say, do it after you let go, never hold another man’s hand while you’re talking to him, never do the endless awkward shake, never use two hands to shake a man’s hand, never rub his hands or feel his arms unless you want to get punched on the face.  

So there you have it, how to be a real man - Hold tight and shake hard!

Cheers happy weekend!