Winter Cheers! Things to keep in mind.

Whooo hooo it’s that time of the year again! Yes, I mean winter and what does winter mean? Spot on brother – more alcohol! I love winter for obvious reasons, and also because it evokes a sense of romance. You feel like hugging more, embrace seems to have a whole new meaning, the sight of ‘warm regards’ in emails brings with it more love and affection… but enough of that crap, winter gives you reason to drink -  more parties = more drinks. It’s so cold…. = have a drink. I think I’m coming down with a fever = have a drink and sleep.

Anyway there are a few things to keep in mind with winter and alcohol to stay healthy. Remember the healthier you are the more you can drink.

1.      Many people believe Rum is the drink for winter as it keeps the body warmer. But there is no sufficient/ conclusive research on the validity of this – thus it can be termed a myth. But there’s no harm to it, drink away brothers. But what is true is that rum and coke does keep you more active and warm. If you are diabetic, I think you should stay away from Rum (in my opinion). Why? Well rum is made from sugar cane, and sugar turns into starch upon digestion and starch turns into sugar. But diabetics can drink any type of alcohol in moderation as it can decrease your blood sugar level. How you ask? Well it’s because your liver will be busy fighting off the toxins in alcohol and kinda forget to release glucose, but do not mix anything sweet with your drinks because the carbohydrates in them will spike up the sugar level. Cheers!

2.      The saying that ‘alcohol keeps my body warm’ is as true as it is false. Dafaq! Well what actually happens when you take alcohol in general is it dilates the peripheral blood vessels near your skin, increasing in more blood flow and thus the warm feeling. But the danger here is that the blood takes the warmth away from the core of your body, so even though you might feel warm because your skin is warm, you vital organs might not be as warm as you might think they are. So always remember to keep your body warm even when you feel warm. So no to streaking and alcohol in winter.

3.      Remember to keep your body hydrated at all times. It’s very easy to forget to drink water or not feel like drinking water during winter, especially if you have been drinking but always remember to drink water before and after you drink alcohol. A hangover is the body’s way of telling you it is really, really dehydrated so keep yourself hydrated. As I had mentioned before it takes about 4 hours for the liver to digest 1 peg of whiskey, so watch your drink. I’d suggest a glass of water between every drink.

So there it is folks a few things to remember as you enjoy your drinks this winter. Cheers!

My Team, My Game - Rules of Engagement

Every Sports fan has a ritual before watching a match of their favorite team. People find it stupid but for the true fans its serious stuff, everything we do or say could potentially make or break our teams’ performance. For me I've noticed that most of the times I go out to watch a Chelsea match at a friend’s place, we end up losing the match. So I've stopped watching it anywhere but home. I mean we do lose even when I watch it at home but the odds of us winning are much higher. Anyway, besides that I don’t really have a ritual anymore, but, I do like to have the necessities for a good match in place.

• Ideally I like to have the couch to myself. I have a fat ass so I like it when it spreads comfortably on the cushion.
• A bottle whiskey and a few bottles of chilled beer on the side with water and ice (all within an arm’s reach).
• Not really a muncher so I don’t need snacks.
• A packet of cigarettes.
• And if possible I really don’t like watching it with neutrals. By neutrals I mean if there’s a Chelsea vs Man United match I don’t like watching it with a….say Real Madrid fan. Neutrals are annoying lil turds, because they just don’t stop talking, one minute they’re on your side the next thing you know they’re on the other side and they will stick to the winning side and if the match ends as a draw they have everything to say about how both teams played wrong and how boring the match was. So fuck neutrals.

Now the only thing that is allowed to even closely interfere with the match or could take my attention from the match is a ‘Clash of Clans’ notification. I mean there are only 2 things that are important to a man and they are - his sports team and his video game. For me it’s Clash of Clans, I spend every window of spare time I get day and night, building my village, upgrading my defenses, protecting my people – ensuring that they have enough gold and elixir to have a normal life. So they need my constant attention and care.  But during a Chelsea match, Clash of Clans notifications also wait till half time or till there’s a short break.

Chelsea Vs Liverpool Match 2
Fairly entertaining first half is about to end and you hear a beep on your phone look down and it’s a Clash of Clans notification *Your village was raided by 鸡巴头 (it's always a Chinese dude). Your blood is boiling but you think to yourself I take care of the bastard during half time and get back to the match, and after 3 minutes of extra time Demba Ba scores! Its Chelsea 1 and Liverpool 0. You scream out “Yessss Goalllllll” pump your fist in the air. It’s good but you don’t want to be too cocky coz its only the first half and anything could happen in the second half, so you calm yourself down and a few minutes later the referee blows for half time.

Just as you’re about to check your phone to see the damage that this turd 鸡巴头 has done to your village, you hear a voice saying something absurd, so you just sort of ignore it. And then for the second time you hear it again loud and clear. You still can’t believe you just heard that coz it still sounds absurd even though it’s louder and clearer. Just as you’re about to continue to ignore it you hear it again for the third time – “You don’t miss me!” you reply really confused “What?”, “What do you mean I don’t miss you”-“You know exactly what I mean, You Don’t Miss Me”-“But babe, you’re right here with me in the same room, how can I miss you?”, “I mean…I don’t mean it like that but of course I miss you”- “No you don’t I saw you playing Clash of Clans when there was a foul, you could have spent that time to pay some attention to me but you chose your stupid Clash of Clans”. “But babe I just looked down to see who attacked my village that’s it” - “Don’t argue with me Zakk I was watching you the whole time” – “OK what do you want me to do, not watch the match?” – “I don’t care, do whatever you want”.

Come on ladies, there should be rules of engagement clearly defined.
You can’t reduce a man to play his video game in the bathroom while he’s pretending to take a dump. And sometimes they catch you too, just when you think you've outsmarted them – “Are you playing Clash of Clans in the loo again?” you reply with a confident voice “No” – “Are you sure? You've been in there for over half an hour” - “I HAVE CONSTIPATION!”

Women have that ability to make you think you did something wrong and feel guilty about it when you did absolutely nothing wrong. And I hate it, absolutely hate it. Men we don’t ask for much – just let me watch my game and let me play my game. Is that too much to ask?

Driving in Delhi!

Driving is annoying and fucked up in a city like Delhi and its vicinity. I can completely understand why people shoot, stab and beat each other up just for the smallest reasons, I myself have gotten out of my car many times trying to break window glasses of other vehicles with my fist but failed miserably only to end up with a very sore and bruised knuckle (apparently car window glasses are really thick).  

But getting back to the point I’ve always wondered why, most drivers in Delhi NCR are so reckless and have absolutely no patience, civic sense or for that matter commonsense. 

I have also noticed that people from the hilly regions of India are better drivers have better driving etiquette.  And I believe it is because these qualities have been passed down through the family. I never saw my dad or uncles or even our drivers drive on the wrong side or saw them use high beam at night. And as a kid you tend to notice these things and when we finally learned to drive, we understood what was right and what was wrong. Add to that the strict driving test we had to go through to get our license, made us realize how unsafe the road and how much safer we needed to drive.

I have seen grown ass men driving with their families and kids in the car breaking all kinds of traffic rules and it saddens me because their kids are going to learn from what they see and believe it’s ok to be reckless. Like father like son. Now look at this son of a bitch below, smiling away when one mistake could kill his entire family. It's funny I admit but so sad that even traffic cops let them get away with it.

Enough of that, for those of you who have never driven in Delhi NCR here’s what it’s like. It’s like a string of near death experiences for hours at an end if you have to travel far. No one gives a fuck about traffic lights, and the ones that do think yellow means you have to put the pedal to the metal. Pedestrians are no good either, the think when the traffic light turns green for the vehicles to go, it means it’s safe for them to cross the road, so by the time the traffic light turn yellow only a few cars would have passes the light. When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - What the Fuckkkkk! 

People don’t plan their route in advance and take the proper lane, if they have to take a left in about 500 meters they will drive on the right side of the road till they reach the turn disrupting traffic as they shamelessly attempt their turn. When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - What the Fuckkkkk!

Delhi NCR drivers don’t know how to tackle curves either; they don’t flow with the curve but cut in on everyone. And then we have the knight riders, who believe they are perpetually on a race course, they’ll zip past you in full speed out of nowhere and be gone as fast as they arrived. We also have the honkers, these fools will relentlessly honk till you go mad. Stuck at a red light? They will honk till it’s green. When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - What the Fuckkkkk!

We also have the smart fools who believe that it’s safer to drive slowly on the fast lane while they’re on their mobile phone. Can you imagine how frustrating it is to follow a slow car in the fast lane? When this happens you would often see me pulling my hair and screaming in my car - Fuckkkkk You!

There’s so much more I want to write about but just thinking about it makes me want to pull my hair and scream like a mad man. And the sad part is that most drivers have lost their humanity, no one cares to give way to an ambulance, or stop to offer help if your car breaks down. But most of all blame the government. Here’s what a driving test is like in India covered by BBC’s Jeremy Clarkson.

 Come on people lets learn to drive better, there's still hope for our children to be better drivers and safer drivers. 

Understanding the Feminist Woman - Part 2

In my last blog I wrote about me trying to understanding the independent feminist woman, and after some long hard thinking and research I've figured there’s no understanding them. In fact they themselves don’t know what they want, they’re as confused as we are. Because the movement is new to them and they’re enjoying the fight and the semi freedom. The only way we can relate to them is if we look back in our teenage rebel years, young and free “I’ll do whatever I want” stage of life. A lot of the things they’re demanding make sense but some of them are just plain jibberish. If you go through some of their websites and actually read what they’re discussing, it’s laughable. They go so far as every woman should keep it bushy down south (agreed, to each her own hairstyle north and south of the body) but they talk about the scent too, and some of them argue that it’s a woman’s natural smell, men should appreciate it and women should not be ashamed of it. I mean what the fuck man! Really? I'm just glad that its still a mans world, and that things are still proper. 

I will say this for it must be said “Everything I know about being a proper gentleman was killed by feminism”. Chivalry is dead and women killed it! I don't even open doors for women anymore, I'm like "fuck it, you have 2 perfect arms do it yourself". I don't even offer seats to women anymore unless they're grannies or expecting mothers, I'm like "fuck it, you have 2 perfect set of legs, stand on them motherfuckers".

To be really honest feminist scare the shit out of me, because they’re unpredictable. And dating one would be…I don’t even have the word for it besides scary. She would shout at you for trying to be a man, hell she might even sue you for that shit. So my advice is stay away from them if you're an old timer like me. Trust me these women are crazy.

Quote: "Shes crazy, and just when you think you've reached the bottom of her craziness, there's a crazy underground garage"

Imagine you're dating one and its late at night and you're texting each other getting all romantic and shit, and you text her "babe I wanna get to know you better" in half a second flat she sends you this:

Don't you think the first statement outweighs the second? Yes she bakes cookies and shit, thats all thats there for you as her partner, if you're good to her you get cookies and shit, you make her the happiest woman in the world and all you get is cookies and shit. Is cookies worth being made to wish you were never born at all it? I mean Fuck cookies! what if I'm tired of eating cookies every damn day? 

Now there's a small chance you might say that was cute, now you ask her "babe I miss you, do you miss me too" and half a second later you get this: 

Now if you're an old fashioned guy like me, this is not my idea of romance. I know missing someone hurts but its not the same hurt as being smacked in the fucking face with a fucking rock. and it ends with "I hope you get the point here", the only point i got is that you're fucking crazy woman. You start thinking if shes like this when shes happy, I really don't wanna know what she might be like pissed off, she might cut your head off, or even worse drug you and cut... umm you know...'it'. 

It no hidden fact that we will never understand women, they don't understand themselves either, which is fair but what really pisses me off is that they try very hard to complicate whats already complicated. By that I mean they try really hard to make sure you never understand them. Don't believe me? This is a top secret message that was intercepted by one of my undercover spies. 

Now you tell me how much more fucked up can things get! 

I just glad its still a mans world. :-)

Happy Birthday Ma'am

Dating Da General Aka Me!

What dating me would be like. (The way I see it)

Everyone thinks about how they would make a good boyfriend or a girlfriend because let’s face it we only know the good sides of us and how we see ourselves is more or less the way we want people to see us. In our own versions of every story, we're always right, damn right! And I was just thinking about how good of a boyfriend I'd make last night and tried not to be too self-centered. After much pondering, I realized I’d be more than a handful to handle (pun intended) but I'd make a really awesome boyfriend. J

Ok so here’s a list of what you could expect from dating me.

• I’m a Chelsea FC fanatic. My mood and quite possibly the fate of our evening and relationship could hang on the results of a Chelsea match and your reaction to it.
• I may be old but I don’t think I ever grew up. Most of the time I would think and react like a boy which could sometimes look cute but sometimes downright frustrating.
• I throw tantrums like it’s a hobby. Like when a kid wants a toy and you don’t buy the toy for him and he starts crying in the middle of the street rolling over like a mad man with an epileptic episode. Annoying as fuck till you buy it for him and he has the most adorable face ever and you look at the kid and you’re like ‘awwww’ - I think I may be like that. I’m not sure but I think I can pull off the look.
• I would probably buy stuff for you from time to time and surprise you with gifts.
• I’m very romantic but like to be romanced every once in a while.
• I’m an attention seeking missile that can explode with unprecedented drama.
• I hate to admit it but I do like my drink (whiskey please). I mean after a long hard days work all I look forward to is going home and switching on the TV and have a few glasses, eat like a king and sleep.
• I’ve been trying to quit smoking forever and I haven’t given up on trying either, so you’d probably be very annoyed with my regular failed attempts at some point of time.
• I always sleep on the right side of the bed. That’s my zone, my area no matter whose bed it is. So you might have to learn to sleep on the left side.
• After a good shower I sometimes use a conditioner to condition my beard, chest hair, arm pits and other such parts which I shall not mention.
• I’m a perfume freak, I like to smell good but I sometimes over do it.
• I’d probably have more shoes and perfumes than you do, which does not make me gay.
• I have a very mild case of OCD but nothing serious.
• I have a habit of losing my temper over unnecessary stuff. Like if I see a guy drop something and I know that knows that he’s dropped something and doesn't pick it up right away, I will effin get pissed off.
• I don’t know why but I wear my watch on my right hand.
• I snore a lot and I snore loud, sometimes I can actually really hear myself snore in my sleep.
• I love my Grandmother and my brother more than anyone else in the whole wide world.
• On certain Sundays I like to smoke up and watch movies all day. I might even forget to call you or procrastinate on replying to your texts.  
• I have high blood pressure and regularly forget to take my meds and do absolutely nothing to control it either.
• On certain occasions I will pick a fight with you for no reason at all like it’s something to do.
• I’d like to think I have a soft heart and am very compassionate masked by a bad ass image.
• I also like to think I’m very friendly but I've been told otherwise.

I could go on but I think this kinda sums me up quite well. But I’ll leave you with this awesome picture and my cousin Zizi description of it. Cheers!

The subliminal messages !!!.... cute kid to show you are safe and potentially a good dad...scholastic books in the foreground to show of the smarts... shot showing off your shoulders but cutting out your belly...sunglasses off so we can see your eyes but hanging from your shirt so we know you are cool enough to wear them...the laideezs have no chance!!!
Amen!

Understanding Miss. Independent

Against all odds, if I were younger I’d be deeply in love by now.
Against all odds, as I grow older I try not to.

I think starting a relationship as we grow older becomes more of a challenge on ourselves. For one we’re too damn smart and experienced on what love and relationships can do to us so we become overly cautious about everything. Every fight for instance becomes a sneak peek of what lies ahead, whatever the person said is so carefully scrutinized it starts to have a whole new meaning to what it was intended.

Eg. After a long argument one person ends with “You’re such an ass!” the other pauses for a while and the next thing you hear is “Did you just call me fat?”…“You know I have problems with my weight, but THAT does not give you the right to call my whole body an ASS”.

Relationships are hard, way harder now than it was back then. Dating an independent woman is toughest though because you never know what to do or say. You can’t buy her expensive stuff coz she might take offence to it, she might be like “oh…you think I can’t buy this for myself? I’m an independent woman” and you can’t buy anything cheap coz she’d start thinking you’re a cheap ass and that if things got serious between you two, you could possibly not take care of the family. You can’t even take them out for a romantic date and pay the bills like a man, instead you have to sit there like a broke ass bitch and watch the smirk on the waiters face while you chip in half and she takes care of the other half of the bill.

I love independent women, I mean I admire them, they have balls, don’t take bullshit and they take care of themselves. But dating one may be a problem I presume. You might be wondering how I came to this profound presumption/conclusion, well just for the sake of sounding controversial and a downright A-hole I’m gonna say this - because the concept of freedom is rather new for them.

I can imagine women’s face getting red and looking for some shit to hurl at me. But let me explain why, I’m an old fashioned guy, and as any old fashioned guy I need to understand why things change and how it affects me to an extent that I have to change too.

In my next update I shall explain how I came to this conclusion… stay tuned