Saturday, July 21, 2012

Men Against Chocolates

After going through a gruelling root canal treatment this week (and still undergoing), I decided to treat myself to a nice bar of chocolate and I remembered reading somewhere that when women eat chocolates, it releases the same hormones as orgasm does (apparently which is why it’s called food sex). DAFAQ! Why only women? Just so unfair!

Anyway I’ve been told I have an over active imagination, but what I realized is that this, if true, is alarmingly bad news for us men. It could change everything. It could flip our world! Women wouldn’t need us as much as they do now. Imagine if they start popping a concentrated chocolate pill every time they’re in the zone, you’d look pretty much like an idiot, your girl is in the zone and there’s nothing you can do, she don’t need you coz she has chocolate. All you can do is cuddle with her while she has her chocolate.

You’re making out with your girl, getting it on, you’re on top of the world, and right before the best part of it all, she stops you to pop a concentrated chocolate pill. Or maybe you’re in a heated argument with your wife/girlfriend/fiancĂ© etc. you’d think you’re the man until she screams “I don’t need you, I got my chocolate pill”. I could list out a thousand other scenarios on how this concentrated chocolate pill could destroy our lives, but I think you got the picture.

So, maybe as men we need to boycott chocolates and remove them from the face of the planet. I know, I know a lot of you would think I’m crazy, and my theory and scenarios are farfetched and unrealistic. But think hard, don’t these pharmaceutical companies and scientists always jump to opportunities like these and make a concentrated version of it? They found a spider in Brazil with a very strange unholy venom, that when bitten men would have very painful erections for days. And what did they do? They turned it into Viagra, The little blue pill that saved a million marriages, stopped depressed men from killing themselves, gave lonely old people something exciting to do. A blessing for all men!

Now ever since Viagra was invented women have felt left out in the whole sex revolution. They've been very vocal about what they were missing out, with blogs, magazine articles etc. filled with "What about us", "When do we get a pill", "Men are so selfish" (what selfish? go find your own spider with unholy venom). And this chocolate thing if further developed and researched would be the answer for their prayers. But their happiness would lead to our downfall, we would end up with a lot of hardcore feminists, lesbians etc. (I have nothing against them FYI) but too many of them doesn’t sound too good in a man’s world.

So, again, maybe we need to look beyond today and start a war, a campaign to destroy chocolates forever. Let us all come together and find a way to execute this operation smoothly.

What kind of self respecting man eats chocolates anyway!

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