Wednesday, March 28, 2012


A few days back I was watching the Chelsea FC Vs Man City match (which we lost 1-2) and during the halftime break I saw the Vodafone ad about the 2 kids falling in love for what seemed to be their first time. It wasn’t the first time I saw it, but it just never really hit me the way it did that day (I must say Ogilvy have always done an amazing job on Vodafone ads). (heres the link for those of you that haven't seen it, really cute ad)
After watching it I started to look back at my junior high school days, and I remembered the first time I fell in love with a girl. Her name was Eva (to this day I still think she’s the most beautiful girl in the world, and I’d like for it to stay that way) we were classmates since KG 2 at Brook Side School, Shillong and I fell in love with her from the first day I saw her. I really didn’t understand the feeling then coz I was probably too young to know what I felt. But she was the reason I never skipped school.
Now the thing I remember about loving someone at that age was, how pure and wonderful it felt. We didn’t even have to talk, just a smile was enough to send me to cloud 9, make my knees weak, and every time she smiled back at me I felt like Superman, I was invincible and a ridiculous smile would linger on my face for hours. We hardly ever spoke, all we ever did was smile at each other all the time and that was it, but it was better than nothing and I think that was a good thing.
Going home after school was probably the saddest part of the day, knowing that the rest of the day was going to have to be spent just thinking about her, but there were times, I’d sneak out after doing my home work and walk past her house 10-15 times, just to get a glimpse of her. Come to think of it most of the time I never saw her, but just the thought that I just might see her was enough to fuel my long brisk walks.  

Then one fine day when we were I think in class 4, my class teacher Mrs. Florence spoiled it all, while re arranging seats she made me sit with next to her. Now I don’t remember exactly how I felt sitting next to her all I remember was that suddenly I didn’t speak very much, I was always very nervous, shy and I don’t think I impressed her much. And later that year she was elected class captain, and that’s when I started to hate her a lil bit, coz she was always shouting at people, “don’t make noise, keep quiet”. She would secretly write names of people talking between classes and give it to teachers and I myself got my ass whooped quite a few times. (but I always forgave her, come on... it was her job… what are you gonna do? And on top of that she always helped me out when we had exams, she’d secretly whisper answers to me)
And then the unimaginable happened, I think it was 6th Std. she left our school, I was the saddest person on the planet. After that I never really saw her much, coz I left school too and came to Delhi but she was always on my mind. One fine day in June, summer vacation, I was walking back home and a familiar voice from behind called me, and even after 5 years I knew it was her  J (well no one calls me Zirsang except her, no one before her and none since) we spoke for a brief moment and she invited me to a bible study camp lol. I surely did not go (hmmm…. Maybe I should have), she gave me her number but I never called. I’m such an ass I should have called. Sometimes we make all the wrong moves at the wrong time on the wrong person.
But that wasn’t the last time I saw her, the last time I saw her was 2001, I was out to buy a mobile phone and as I opened the door I kinda knocked her a bit, and she turned towards me with an annoyed ‘ufffff….. be caref….oh my God Zirsang!’ I had the biggest smile, but it didn’t last very long coz she was with another dude, I was so jealous. (grrrr…….) so I didn’t want to talk much, bought my phone and walked out and I never saw her again.
Been endlessly googling her name, looked her up on facebook, myspace, Hi5, orkut, friendster, flicker but never found her. It’s like she never existed, been asking my old classmates but no one seems to know where she is or how she is. 
I think there's definitely something about the first person you fall in love with, which no one else will ever replace. I’ve never felt the same way I did about her with anyone ever again. It’s not to say I haven’t been in love ever again, I have and they were all good, but with her it was different, and as I write this, I can’t help but smile, coz I can almost feel what it felt like as I recall the days spent with her.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Looking Back

I turned 30 yesterday, and for the first time I didn’t celebrate it and chose to spend the day pondering on what my life has been all about. It was strange because as the clock struck 12 the previous night, an overwhelming sense of emptiness engulfed me. I think it was me realizing that half my life was over with that tick of a hand that submerged me in a sea of nothingness. Questions popped up like sulfuric bubbles from a deep sea volcano, poisoning the air around me as I slipped into a temporary state of depression.

Who am I? Who am I meant to be? What have I done? What have I achieved? How many people have I hurt? Why did she leave? Am I happy with the way I’ve lived my life? Why did i leave her? What makes me happy? Am I drinking too much? Am I drinking enough? Why do I miss him so much? Why do I miss her so much? Will she ever get out of my head? Why do they hate me? Why do they like me? Why am I the only one alive? Why did she leave?Will I go to heaven? Will I go to hell? Will I meet them there? Why did he leave? Will he ever get better? Does God hate me? When will it end? Is he proud of me? Will I ever find what I’m looking for? Am I working hard enough? Is this the right job? Am I going to die? Will I live forever? Why did I leave her? Why do I lie so much? Why do they lie so much? Why didn't he call? Why didn’t she call? Why didn’t I call? Is he proud of me? Can you hear me? Am I a good person? Why did she leave? Why did I leave her? Am I smoking too much? Does she really love me? Did i really love her? Am I eating too much? Why am I writing this? Am I thinking too much? Why am I wearing my sunglasses in the pot?

2 days later...

As the smell of sulfur dissipates with time, the thought of a desolate 30 years begins to fill itself with life I had chosen not to appreciate and celebrate. I realize that the answers to my questions will only lead to more questions. Age as it may be is only but a number, life is an experience, however short or long, I must learn to embrace it. So however hard and long it might have taken, I now have a deeper understanding of what growing up means, and the need to loosen up the noose to free myself from the past that weighs me down. Life is hard and never the way it’s meant to be, sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes we end up hurting the people we love the most, and sometimes we’re broken by the people we thought loved us the most. Sometimes we find friends in the people we hate. Sometimes we find answers in the questions we ask. Sometimes we find hope when all hope is lost. Sometimes we find ourselves in our darkest hours. Sometimes we find strength in our weakness. Sometimes we need these moments of anger, desolation and emptiness to help us learn to smile again. :-)