DECEMBER

It was a cold December evening. It was the evening my last surviving uncle passed away, it was also Christmas Eve. Cold cold December my differences with you will take a while to settle.

As I sit and watch the last week of November pass, I wait in anticipation for December with all its spirit to engulf me, like so many Decembers or yesteryears I remember. The Christmas carols, the family dinners, the presents under the Christmas tree, the parties. But flashes of one cold and unwelcome memory come blowing like a cold Siberian blizzard, relentless in its course.

My winter clothes are yet see the light of day and already I feel as cold as I can ever feel. I wonder if they were out, would they serve their purpose? Who, what can shelter a fragile heart from the freezing cold of emptiness? A sense of numbness creeps over my skin as I look at the month to come. How frighteningly empty and cold can a month so full of hope look? What madness? What contrast to the nature and purpose it symbolizes.

No, I do not long for reconciliation, nor closure with you. I have had mine, in stages, in pieces and in retrospection. There’s no love nor is there hatred, just a fleeting fear of December. They say lightning never strikes twice in the same place, so fear not. But would you stand again right where you were struck in a lightning storm? 

Many have come and gone, I have found my peace and my heart and head settled. There’s nothing more I could ask of this life, for all these blessings. I have been given more than I deserve, but yet He does not take this from me. “You can take away my heroes, but can you take away my pain?” says a song. Very rarely in life do you question the foundations of everything you ever believed in.

But as I contemplate on our history, I fear that I cannot escape our encounter. As surely as night follows day will you come with aplomb. We shall have our dance, December you and I. But I have prepared for you. You have done your worst, but I haven’t been defeated yet. So rather than creepily shy away from you, let me welcome you to do your worst again, but might I warn you, I come prepared! So hear my battle cry               ........................................................."Cowabungaaaaaaaaaaa Bitch"...........................................................