Monday, March 19, 2012

Looking Back


I turned 30 yesterday, and for the first time I didn’t celebrate it and chose to spend the day pondering on what my life has been all about. It was strange because as the clock struck 12 the previous night, an overwhelming sense of emptiness engulfed me. I think it was me realizing that half my life was over with that tick of a hand that submerged me in a sea of nothingness. Questions popped up like sulfuric bubbles from a deep sea volcano, poisoning the air around me as I slipped into a temporary state of depression.

Who am I? Who am I meant to be? What have I done? What have I achieved? How many people have I hurt? Why did she leave? Am I happy with the way I’ve lived my life? Why did i leave her? What makes me happy? Am I drinking too much? Am I drinking enough? Why do I miss him so much? Why do I miss her so much? Will she ever get out of my head? Why do they hate me? Why do they like me? Why am I the only one alive? Why did she leave?Will I go to heaven? Will I go to hell? Will I meet them there? Why did he leave? Will he ever get better? Does God hate me? When will it end? Is he proud of me? Will I ever find what I’m looking for? Am I working hard enough? Is this the right job? Am I going to die? Will I live forever? Why did I leave her? Why do I lie so much? Why do they lie so much? Why didn't he call? Why didn’t she call? Why didn’t I call? Is he proud of me? Can you hear me? Am I a good person? Why did she leave? Why did I leave her? Am I smoking too much? Does she really love me? Did i really love her? Am I eating too much? Why am I writing this? Am I thinking too much? Why am I wearing my sunglasses in the pot?

2 days later...

As the smell of sulfur dissipates with time, the thought of a desolate 30 years begins to fill itself with life I had chosen not to appreciate and celebrate. I realize that the answers to my questions will only lead to more questions. Age as it may be is only but a number, life is an experience, however short or long, I must learn to embrace it. So however hard and long it might have taken, I now have a deeper understanding of what growing up means, and the need to loosen up the noose to free myself from the past that weighs me down. Life is hard and never the way it’s meant to be, sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes we end up hurting the people we love the most, and sometimes we’re broken by the people we thought loved us the most. Sometimes we find friends in the people we hate. Sometimes we find answers in the questions we ask. Sometimes we find hope when all hope is lost. Sometimes we find ourselves in our darkest hours. Sometimes we find strength in our weakness. Sometimes we need these moments of anger, desolation and emptiness to help us learn to smile again. :-)



6 comments:

Mizohican said...

haha... good read. Enjoyed the short but crisp post. And happy belated birthday :)

By the way, you're just 30? Dayymmmm bro. I always thought you're older than me. Well, prolly because you look way older than me. Better cut down the booze and nicotine! :D

Anonymous said...

happy birthday. i'm sure you had a good 'companion' at the party :) but you're just 30 and already philosophizing? i'm 2 decades ahead and still basically bumbling my way through. though i'm thinking of putting some thoughts to paper (or rather, to blog) this time as i'll be 'meeting abraham' later this year.

zakk_kima said...

@Mizohican : thanks buddy but dude theres no way I look older than you lol :-)

What is booze and nicotine? lol

zakk_kima said...

@ruolngulworld: The only companion I had this time was Jamie. we laughed and cried together the whole night. hahaha. and birthdays and alcohol often have a way of turning us into a part time philosopher. Come to think of it I think all the philosophers were high on something. I personally think they smoked weed. I can imagine Plato and Socrates rolling a fat joint. after a few puffs Plato turns to Socrates with blood shot eyes and tells him "dude I think that the material world as it seems to us is not the real world, but only an image or copy of the real world". Socrates "thats some deep shit bro, so we're actually both copies of ourselves too...?"...man I'm hungry.

zakk_kima said...

And get back to blogging, its been a while since you updated you blog. :-)

Anonymous said...

lol. made me wonder who else besides jamie kept you company that night - only a 'charged' mind could have come up with the conversation between plato and socrates. brilliant, and i see no reason why they didn't have the same exact conversation. yeah, they probably did and it was revealed to you from beyond the grave through some cosmic gateway when your mind was philosophically receptive.
and i just updated by blog. after a looong break of almost a year and a half. :)