Friday, March 21, 2014

Real Men

What’s the difference between a man and a real man? You might think you know the answer, getting all philosophical and shit. The truth is, YOU DON'T KNOW! Lucky for you I'm here to educate your ignorant ass once again. Just follow my advice, and you will learn how to be a real man, get more respect and women will fall for you like the great walls of Jericho. Hallelujah!

The answer to the question above is simple- hold tight and shake hard!

Hell no! I don’t mean your...(you know) or anyone else’s. I’m talking about a hug and a hand shake. 

Anyway here’s how its done:

Hold Tight
What’s a hug? A hug is a sign that you adore someone, that you miss them, you love them, that they mean something to you, so when you hug someone be it a man hug or a woman hug, hug them like you mean it, put some strength into it. It really doesn’t matter if you’re a bad ass gangster or a gentleman, if you don’t know how to hug proper – you’re a bitch!

But remember you cannot 'man hug' a woman and 'woman hug' a man, please don't ever do that. A man hug or a bro hug is a quick one, just 3 seconds long - use your right hand to grasp another man’s left hand and put some man strength to it and pull him close very quickly with just one shoulder touching theirs followed by a quick a pat on the back and let go. Any longer and you might leave the wrong impression. The arms should come between the shoulder and chest during the hug, you cannot have two men rubbing their chest together, it’s just not right. No No No.

Now a woman hug is more emotional and means a lot more. In a woman hug you use both arms, hold her gently before you put some strength into it (not too much though) and hold her tight as her head rests on your chest. It’s all about showing them who’s the man! It’s about showing them that you're there and that she has nothing to fear. It’s about showing them that they are safe and secure in your arms. It’s about showing them that you are her Knight in shining armor. If you do it right you will hear a sigh of relief from her and feel her heartbeat slow down. And you will feel like a real man. Don’t ever lazy hug anyone, for me it’s just plain offensive and I will despise you forever!

Shake Hard
Nothing, really Nothing fucking irritates me more than a weak handshake from another man. If you weak handshake me or offer just the tip of your hand I will despise your guts and brand you as a pussy.
A handshake was a sacred man thing back in the day - women were never allowed to shake a man’s hand because it was what men do. Handshakes were a sign that you were unarmed and a sign of trust and goodwill. Cowboys would spit on their hands and shake when deals were made. Offer a weak shake or the tip of your hand to a cowboy and you’d probably get your jingle bells blown off.

A good firm hold and two solid shakes is all it takes to confirm that you are a self confident, assertive man that cannot be messed around with. If you give me a weak shake I already know that I can defeat you mentally. If you offer me the tip of your fucking hand I know that I can beat you up mentally and physically, I might even be tempted to bitch slap you.

Here’s how you do a proper handshake – Look at the person in the eye, offer your hand, firmly grasp his hand, smile then shake twice and quickly let go. If you have something to say, do it after you let go, never hold another man’s hand while you’re talking to him, never do the endless awkward shake, never use two hands to shake a man’s hand, never rub his hands or feel his arms unless you want to get punched on the face.  

So there you have it, how to be a real man - Hold tight and shake hard!
Cheers happy weekend!

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