Monday, August 11, 2014

My Team, My Game - Rules of Engagement

Every Sports fan has a ritual before watching a match of their favorite team. People find it stupid but for the true fans its serious stuff, everything we do or say could potentially make or break our teams’ performance. For me I've noticed that most of the times I go out to watch a Chelsea match at a friend’s place, we end up losing the match. So I've stopped watching it anywhere but home. I mean we do lose even when I watch it at home but the odds of us winning are much higher. Anyway, besides that I don’t really have a ritual anymore, but, I do like to have the necessities for a good match in place.

Ideally I like to have the couch to myself. I have a fat ass so I like it when it spreads comfortably on the cushion.
A bottle whiskey and a few bottles of chilled beer on the side with water and ice (all within an arm’s reach).
Not really a muncher so I don’t need snacks.
A packet of cigarettes.
And if possible I really don’t like watching it with neutrals. By neutrals I mean if there’s a Chelsea vs Man United match I don’t like watching it with a….say Real Madrid fan. Neutrals are annoying lil turds, because they just don’t stop talking, one minute they’re on your side the next thing you know they’re on the other side and they will stick to the winning side and if the match ends as a draw they have everything to say about how both teams played wrong and how boring the match was. So fuck neutrals.

Now the only thing that is allowed to even closely interfere with the match or could take my attention from the match is a ‘Clash of Clans’ notification. I mean there are only 2 things that are important to a man and they are - his sports team and his video game. For me it’s Clash of Clans, I spend every window of spare time I get day and night, building my village, upgrading my defenses, protecting my people – ensuring that they have enough gold and elixir to have a normal life. So they need my constant attention and care.  But during a Chelsea match, Clash of Clans notifications also wait till half time or till there’s a short break.

Chelsea Vs Liverpool Match 2
Fairly entertaining first half is about to end and you hear a beep on your phone look down and it’s a Clash of Clans notification *Your village was raided by 鸡巴头 (it's always a Chinese dude). Your blood is boiling but you think to yourself I take care of the bastard during half time and get back to the match, and after 3 minutes of extra time Demba Ba scores! Its Chelsea 1 and Liverpool 0. You scream out “Yessss Goalllllll” pump your fist in the air. It’s good but you don’t want to be too cocky coz its only the first half and anything could happen in the second half, so you calm yourself down and a few minutes later the referee blows for half time.

Just as you’re about to check your phone to see the damage that this turd 鸡巴头 has done to your village, you hear a voice saying something absurd, so you just sort of ignore it. And then for the second time you hear it again loud and clear. You still can’t believe you just heard that coz it still sounds absurd even though it’s louder and clearer. Just as you’re about to continue to ignore it you hear it again for the third time – “You don’t miss me!” you reply really confused “What?”, “What do you mean I don’t miss you”-“You know exactly what I mean, You Don’t Miss Me”-“But babe, you’re right here with me in the same room, how can I miss you?”, “I mean…I don’t mean it like that but of course I miss you”- “No you don’t I saw you playing Clash of Clans when there was a foul, you could have spent that time to pay some attention to me but you chose your stupid Clash of Clans”. “But babe I just looked down to see who attacked my village that’s it” - “Don’t argue with me Zakk I was watching you the whole time” – “OK what do you want me to do, not watch the match?” – “I don’t care, do whatever you want”.

Come on ladies, there should be rules of engagement clearly defined.
You can’t reduce a man to play his video game in the bathroom while he’s pretending to take a dump. And sometimes they catch you too, just when you think you've outsmarted them – “Are you playing Clash of Clans in the loo again?” you reply with a confident voice “No” – “Are you sure? You've been in there for over half an hour” - “I HAVE CONSTIPATION!”

Women have that ability to make you think you did something wrong and feel guilty about it when you did absolutely nothing wrong. And I hate it, absolutely hate it. Men we don’t ask for much – just let me watch my game and let me play my game. Is that too much to ask?

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