My Grown Up Christmas Wish

Every man is a child at heart (at least I am) and no matter how old you are, there's something about Christmas that brings out the little boy excitement of yester years. Waking up on Christmas day and rushing to the Christmas tree to find under it boxes beautifully and perfectly wrapped with your name on it was the best feeling ever. The funny thing is I never ever got what I wanted for Christmas, but I always got something and that was what mattered and what made Christmas special.

I remember this one time I wished for a wireless remote controlled helicopter and got a remote controlled car that transformed into a robot instead. It was far from my wish but I still loved it and took it everywhere I went. My sister Zorin had it rough that year, she had asked for a Barbie doll house but she got a robot that emitted smoke from its mouth (the smoke that came out didn’t smell too good either). Imagine her disappointment, from Barbie doll house to a damn robot. Santa must have been smoking weed on Christmas eve for that kind of shit to happen. 

This year, since my work schedule has been rather tight, I didn’t have time to buy any gift for any of my family, not even my grandmother, not even myself! Yes I have nothing new this year, and it’s kinda sad how work can eat up your personal life (I’m just happy to be home with family spending some quality time). So I decided that this year I’m just going to make a wish list and maybe He will see how hard the year has been on me and make my wishes come true. 

But there’s a trick to convince Him to have pity on you and grant you these wishes, and I’m going share that secret with you. Now the trick is that every time you ask God for a gift or a wish, you should follow a simple but effective rule. Imagine He gets billions of wishes everyday maybe every minute and for Him to even consider yours as a priority to grant it, the chances are slim. Ahhhh but all hope is not lost my friends, just follow my simple advice. In your list of wishes, the first wish is like a preview of the whole list, so always make it the most unselfish heart warming one. One that makes the reader go 'awwwwwwww'. the kind of 'awwwww' when you see a cute baby or a cat.

Just follow my lead and you’ll do just fine.

My Grown up Christmas wishes:

• I wish all the poor people in the world had money to buy warm clothes and food this winter (awwwwwwwww)
• I wish I would get paid more/ get a raise
• On the 23 of December I want to meet my wife to be
• I wish petrol prices would get lower
• I wish I had enough money to buy the Range Rover Evoque
• I wish I was a better musician
• I wish I could stop smoking
• I wish I would stop aging
• I wish I could lose some weight 
• I wish I had more time to spend with my family especially my grandmother
• I wish my shoe racks had more shoes
• I wish I had more perfume
• I wish I could be done with my student loan, which I have been paying forever
• I wish I could play basketball and football again (for real not on my xbox)
• I wish people would stop branding me as a player just because I hangout with players
• I wish my best friends Salim and John were still alive (miss you much buddies)
• I wish I was a little less stubborn and a little more matured 
• I wish E.L James would stop writing novels
• I wish my buddy Joseph finally gets a girlfriend

So there it is my grownup Christmas wishes. See how I started and ended with a selfless wish? That's how you do it! As you can see I have some very selfish wishes, so for a list to end with those lessens the chances of the list of wishes being granted. That's why you always end it with a selfless one. in simple words start with the 'awwwwww' and end with an 'awwwwww'. (This tip comes free of charge as it's Christmas time).
Have a very Merry Christmas everyone and I hope all your wishes come true!

My Delhi :'-(

They say you can only love as much as you can hate. Delhi I have loved you so much, for all your tantrums and shenanigans, for all your mystery, quaint acquaintances and for all the beautiful surprises. I have many a times been a passionate defender of why you are the best city in India. I have traveled the world, but never have I seen a city that matches you in grandeur, culture, beauty and splendor. And as I sit here writing this, I can’t help but feel betrayed and confused, wondering why you have to scar all your best memories with this unforgiving one that make me detest you. 

The truth is, I don’t mind hating you, because I can make do with hate, I can learn to ignore hate, I can learn to suppress hate. Plus for everything I hate about you, you always throw something wonderful back that balances things out. 

I hate you for the relentless summer heat, the endless traffic jams and rash driving. I hate you for the stench of urine that comes from every other corner. I hate you for the auto drivers ever so ready to fleece commuters local and foreign alike. I could list down a million things I hate and can live with about you, but for the rapes and appalling attacks on women...I’m ashamed of you. 

I’m ashamed that this crime against humanity, this gruesome rape will too in time be nothing more than an incident that shook the city and not one that changed the city. I’m ashamed of you because I cannot hate you for this incident. I cannot hate you, because I cannot ignore this diabolic act that happens ever so often. I cannot hate you because I cannot make do with this incident, I have sisters, friends and family in the city that trusts you with their lives and you cannot protect them. I’m ashamed of you because you will yet again fail to do anything right about this incident but mostly because I cannot suppress this fear of ’what if…?’.  

For fifteen years, we’ve had our romance, Delhi you and I. I came as a boy with nothing but a dream and you made a man out of me, gave me a home and foundation to build my dream. And it saddens me now that I have to pause and think twice every time someone asks me where I’m from, when it usually comes out swift with pride. 

The Root of the Great Indian Accent Finally Uncovered!

I have always wondered why we Indians have such a thick accent when it comes to spoken English. Even if a person has been living in the US, Australia or UK for over 10/20, you always get hints of the typical Indian accent every once in a while. Then I realized that we're not alone, our European, African, Latino, and Asian brothers and sisters too have very unique accents.

(Without any disrespect intended, I think Latinos have the thickest accent when it comes to English followed by Chinese then Indian and I still insist that the Jamaican accent is the coolest accent ever, women still feel that ze French is ze sexiest, I have no clue why). 

I cant guarantee that its a 100% correct, but I'd like to think that I’ve finally uncovered why we Indians have this thick accent, why we pronounce certain words very differently and why its stuck with us throughout our lives.

We all know that a child's kindergarten years are the most crucial years when it comes to learning and developing language, teach them right and they will get it right from then on. Teach them wrong, and for lack of a better word, you will see that they're f*&#d for life! (Not literally of course). 

So from my in depth research, I have come to a conclusion that it’s because of the way we have been taught the very basics of the English language - ABC. 

The Eureka Moment:

I was reading something and could not pronounce this one word right. So I looked up the dictionary and it made me laugh, because the way it was spelled and the way it was supposed to be pronounced was very different. So with the reassuring "No one could have got that right" smirk, I proceeded to confidently read on. Later that day, I started putting together a few words we so horrifically pronounce and started visualizing on the root of the problem. That's when I had my Eureka moment (and no I wasn't naked, so you can stop visualizing on that part). 

The Scenario:
Now imaging kids sitting in a classroom being taught ABC the way I visualized it, and you will understand why the poor buggers are scarred for life:
1. They're never gonna get their pronunciations right
2. All the wrong pronunciations put together, will form a very bad accent
3. They're never going to get their spellings right

A for Aarange (Orange)
B for Bhalue (Value)
C for Sea food
D for dabblew dabblew F (WWF)
E for Ediot (Idiot)
F for feciency (efficiency)
G for Guce (Juice)
I for eye
J for Jeebra (Zeebra)
k for kartoon (Cartoon)
L for L-luminium (aluminum)
M for M-menem (Eminem)
N for Ntertainment (Entertainment)
O for oppostrophy (apostrophe)
P for phorain (Foreign), Phlawer (flower)
R for R-ban (Urban)
S for S-cart (Escort)
T for Trink (Drink) mainly by the Nagas and Manipuris
U for Urope (Europe)
V for Velcome (Welcome)
W for Wee (V), Channel V is often pronounced as Channel Wee (North Indians)
X for Excident (Accident)
Y for Yendian (Indian), this is typically south Indian accent
Z for Zoker (Joker), This is common in the North East (especially Mizos)

Even though I am extremely proud of my profound observation and discovery, I find myself in a new dilemma. If this is the cause of our Indian accent…what about the Chinese, the French etc.? How do they teach ABC to their kids for them to have an accent like they do? One can only wonder...

The Fine Art of Drinking. Cheers!

No shame about admitting that I love my drink. And anyone who knows me well will know about my 

love for Single Malt and what I would do for it (but that’s another story we will get into in the times to come).           A lot of people have asked me, and even been quite irritated on how choosy and insistent I

can get on how I like my drink. And guilty as charged, I like my drinks a certain way, depending on their 

type (single/blended/Indian), how much they cost and how much there is to drink.

So how do I like my drink?

Simple, The way they’re meant to be had! :-)

What’s the best way to enjoy a good glass of whiskey or scotch? (They’re the same)

1. Well to start with, the glasses in which you drink them needs to be ummm….for
   lack of better word tulip shaped. This shape traps the aromas and the flavors.
   Why? Good whiskey/scotch is meant to be enjoyed so we tend to take smaller
   sips and hold it for a longer period of time and the shape of the glass ensures that
   we get the same aroma and flavors right to the last sip. This is especially important for single malts.                                                                                         
2. Good whiskey/scotch is not made to be diluted with water and best drank neat. But different people have their way of drinking it. For me, if it’s above Rs. 3500 I drink neat. Anything below that with Ice. And anything below Rs. 1000 with ice and a dash of water.

·         Neat: Slant your glass as you pour it in. Don’t over pour, a good amount is 50/60 ml. Swirl/stir slowly to let the aroma and flavors out.

·         On the rocks: Put in about 3/4 rocks in the glass first. Gently pour your malt over it in a circular motion. This motion cools the scotch, opens it up to release the aroma and flavors, it also makes a consistent mix of water and scotch. If you hold your drink for a while between sips, remember to stir it before every sip.

·         A Dash of Water: Opinions differ on this. Many people will add water to a good scotch some don’t. It’s really a very personal matter of choice and how you like it. Just remember the 1/5 rule. Meaning the water you add should only be 1/5 of the amount you pour. Roughly 20%.

·         Drowning the Rocks: Add about 4 rocks, pour in your cheap whiskey, then add water exactly or a little over the amount of the cheap whiskey you just poured. And try to enjoy your drink.

·         Soda: Some people like their drinks with soda, I don’t understand why. The soda distorts everything that’s good about the scotch.

·         With Coke/Pepsi or Juice: F*&k you! Go have a glass of vodka or JD. Don’t even continue reading this and get out of my blog. Scram…vamoose! Mixing good scotch with the likes of coke and juice is blasphemous and offends me to no limits. I get so mad when I very courteously offer to make someone a drink and they ask me to mix the scotch with Coke or juice (especially women). Do you also drink you tea and coffee with salt? DAMMIT!

So there you go ladies and gentlemen. You now know how to enjoy a good glass of fine whiskey/scotch.
Now, my less discerning friends would ask, how do we drink Indian whiskey like Royal Stag, Signature, Blenders Pride etc.? I suggest you follow my strategy. Since there’s nothing really nice worth mentioning,
just enjoy the getting drunk part. But I do recommend you give Rockford a try. It's not bad at all for a whiskey under Rs.1000.

Tip: Since the spirit can be rather overwhelming, I suggest you opt for soda with these drinks and have some snacks to nibble on the side.

Caution:

The liver takes about 4 hours to digest a glass of Alcohol (which causes weakness and hangover the next day) so watch how much you drink. I suggest you have a slice of cheese or drink an hour or two after dinner. And make sure you take at least 3 glasses of water before sleeping (Trust me on this).
Remember to enjoy your drink responsibly, and call a cab if you’re out. Cheers it’s Friday!