Friday, May 11, 2012

Breaking up, Broken heart – The Review

It is said that the most traumatic thing that can happen to a person is the death of a spouse and the next most traumatic is divorce and breakup. Recovering from a broken heart, is one of the most gruellingly long and painful process. Having recently gone through a rough one myself, I thought I should do a review on it. The recovery is a very long and layered process, and comes in stages and believe me there’s no easiest way of dealing with it. Suddenly all the love songs you used to detest seem to have a deeper meaning to them. Everybody would have their own way of dealing with it and I guess our methods and strategies would all differ, and I can’t advice anyone with ‘doing this or that would make it easier’, but I think understanding the stages of it would help in understanding what the hell is going on and what you can expect.
Now before going on to the various stages let us understand what exactly a broken heart is. Broken heart is when someone you gave your heart and soul to, decides to give it back to you when you least expect it (sometimes there are signs). Now you’d think that getting your heart back would not be too bad, except once you get it, you have absolutely no idea what to do with it. You haven’t had it with you for so long, it feels like it doesn’t belong to you anymore, doesn’t fit inside your chest. Now I could go on for pages on how bad it feels but what’s the point…unless you’ve experienced it, you wouldn’t understand. (Read her, she as they, them, their)

Stage 1 - WTF Just Happened?

You’re taken by surprise, you’re angry, confused mostly angry. So you go on a rampage of “I’ll show her I can live without her” drinking, flirting crazy shit spree. That’s when all your friends tell you to go out clubbing, party and enjoy life, there are many more fishes in the sea. You do exactly that, and it’s not too bad coz you won’t remember much of what you did at this stage anyway. (Just make sure you have deleted her/his number from your mobile or give your phone to your friends when you're drunk. Don’t ask why, trust me on this one).

Stage 2 – It’s all my fault!

At this stage you’re probably not drinking or partying as much, and have become a recluse (if you’re still drinking you’re an alcoholic with a very good excuse). You start analyzing what went wrong, you try to be reasonable but you still see everything as your fault. And you start telling yourself things that don’t make sense, ‘maybe she cheated on me coz I was an asshole’ and you instantly forgive them. NO NO NO, don’t do that, be reasonable, you could have had a major role to play in the whole incident but it’s never a 1 sided affair, both are to be blamed. She/He cheated on you coz she wanted to, she broke up with you coz she don’t love you no more, maybe she never did, so be reasonable with yourself, you’re better than you give yourself credit for. Nobody breaks up with you coz they love you, and feel that you’d be better off without them, WISE UP Buddy!

Stage 3 – The audacity of hope

Like the wise man once said “hope is the worst of all evil for it prolongs the torment of man”. By now you’re probably in a better place, a half recluse (if that makes sense), and you’re probably keeping in touch, she’d probably call you every once in a while saying how you are the only one who she trusts and understands her. Now this is the tricky part, don’t fall for it, she can’t have the best of both worlds, the pleasure of dumping and the pleasure of your sound advice and a reliable shoulder to cry on and dump her problems. This is when you start to tell yourself “bloody shit I’m making progress, maybe she’ll come back”, nope not happening. Once shit falls off there’s no way it’s gonna come back crawling to where it fell lol. But that’s the audacity of hope, you still make yourself believe it could happen.

Stage 4 – I’m a moron, so I’ll wait for her to come back

This is the stage most people deny going through, coz it’s embarrassing, but trust me they all do (so we won’t get into details). But don’t worry, if you’ve reached this stage you’re half way through the game.

Stage 5 – the rebound girl/boy J

This in not necessarily a stage 5 gig, some people hit this stage directly after “what the fuck just happened?” it differs from person to person. But there’s always a rebound girl/boy. This stage is significant because it shows 1 of 2 things, you’re desperately trying to move on, or you’re still trying to get her back by making her/him jealous (If it’s the latter, I feel bad for you kid). Just be careful when you hit this stage, coz it can get really nasty, hurting people who don’t deserve it, a lot of he said, she said and you could end up in deep shit. Just make sure your rebound partner knows you’re not ready for the real deal.

Stage 6 – Mental/Emotional Menopause

This is probably the last stage of the whole cycle but this is further sub-divided into 2 stages. The first is the Auditing of the relationship with a sound mind. This auditing of the relationship could happen involuntarily as well, because for the longest time you have been functioning on automatic mode with an erratic behavior only comparable to a woman going through menopause. Your body knows exactly what to do but your mind is somewhere else. Imaging you’re sitting in your office doing you regular work, but your mind is constantly thinking of what could have been, what you used to do together, all the fights, all the making love everything and after many many many days of running on automatic mode, you have an epiphany – What the fuck was I doing with him/her for so long? Wasting time, money and emotions on the lies she/he fed you. So now you start to kinda hate the person, while still appreciating them for the good times and you realize it’s not worth wasting your time on depressing yourself. (It’s actually a very liberating feeling once you reach this stage, coz you don’t obsesses about what the other person is doing, you start to think less and less of the person till you stop entirely)
Second stage of the last stage is actually quite beautiful. Coz by now almost all the hate is gone (note I said almost), every once in a while, they cross your mind, sometimes taking us back on a nostalgic journey, sometimes a short flashback followed by a smile and it’s all over.

The Verdict 

One thing you should always remember is (if you’re going through all of these or have gone through it), that there was a moment in time when the person meant the world to you, and chances are you probably planned and shaped your lives and future together. So, it’s very unlikely that you will ever forget them. Sometimes major breakups seem to only hit us when we least expect it or when we’re at our worst times, but they also have a way of shaping us and make us stronger. You will never be the same person you were so there’s no point in endlessly looking for life changing experiences to turn you back to what you were before you met.
Time has a way of healing everything, sometimes time moves too slowly but eventually all wounds heal. Try to stay away from haters, and learn to accept your faults as well as your partners. Don’t look at friends to reconfirm how wrong or right you were, learn to deal with it yourself. REMEMBER Half your friends and family will sympathize with you, while some will make fun of your predicament, so choose very carefully with whom you let your emotions out.
You could lose your sanity for the longest time but that’s not all bad coz you end up finding yourself in your darkest hours. 


ku2 said...

Nice read :)

zakk_kima said...

@Ku2 thanks for dropping by and reading. Ilo lo leng leh thin don nia :-)

Mizohican said...

Hehehe I hope you don't throw all this emotional stuff on me when I come over for a drink :D

Anonymous said...

i felt like you have written what i went through!!!!!

zakk_kima said...

Thank you my Anonymous friend :-)
Do come again.

Jit Pegu said...

nice blog man

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